Tell us how you REALLY feel

I sincerely HATE that phrase. Which is a catch 22 in itself because that what I just said would probably make someone want to say it again. But I feel like it’s genuinely rude. I’m sure most people don’t mean it that way but that doesn’t mean they can’t have a fucking brain about what they’re saying. I always have to.

Well, it’s Friday so my weekly ritual of depositing my paycheck and then coming home and smoking a bowl while I pay bills has passed, so I’m in an expected terrible mood. It’s like I work full time (albeit, I worked a few shortened workweeks due to the recent holidays and that’s part of my issue) and now have $128 left until next Friday. Granted, that’s removing all of the bills I NEEDED to pay this week, but those are also quite depressing/angering because I had to pay the $141.61 I pay every month in student loans, of which I owe about 90K worth. Yeah, my stupid fucking two degrees that did NOT get me my current job were not worth that but I do a lot of stuff just for the fuck of it.

Like speaking of, there’s always all this shit I want to discuss because I’ve never told anyone before – excepting mostly my husband, he knows about most of the grimy shit. The only reason I really don’t want him to read this is because I’ll want to be pissed and bitch about him. Because really the only people I have in my life that I could complain to about him are for varying reasons not an ideal audience. So it’s this. Which is fine because I think I might for the first time be successfully journaling. It’s working because I’ve finally figured if I just eat less/healthier and don’t drink every day I can manage to not have to exercise and therefore spend my evenings writing either this or my creative endeavor. This is not all that creative for me, it’s like a memoir, which is more or less a memory game. Unfortunately I have a lot of terrible vivid memories that I am going to bring up at some point. They’re no fun for me either.

But like also, and probably because of, all that kind of makes me a pissed off individual. And idk I’ve managed pretty well, I think I’m like just the right blend of things people generally just ignore/don’t fuck with, like white and female and tall and pretty. Down here, that’s the order those things matter in. But the older I get the closer I feel like I am to being confrontational with a stranger like I saw my dad do (he was probably wasted on something) as a child. The fear I’ll ever be like him is real. I’m sure I’ve said that by now but I’m not reading back through this, at least not right away. One of the more interesting things for me will be to see how many times I go back to something. Now I’m thinking about that…what is it a parable….about a dog returning to its vomit? Is that what this is?

Yeah probably but whatever. I’d be watching TV or exercising (but probably watching TV) if I weren’t at this.

One thing that would be fun to talk about is the fact that last November (the beginning of the month) my husband and I tried swinging for the first time. Prior, I had had my side chick for an unfortunately extended period of time, he’d tried unsuccessfully on his end to engage in a similar relationship with someone he knew from college. We’d decided to try an ‘even playing field’ so to speak. The first couple – lets call them M&K because I think legally there’s no way someone could claim that was libel. Plus it’s not illegal to swap partners. But that is definitely the kind of way it feels, like how I did the few times in my life I had to go out and buy my own weed. Ugh. Gross. But we met M&K at a bowling alley near home, bowled a few games, drank a whole lot of beer and talked a bunch. Then we went to K’s house, eventually after a little weed and some more beer (except for my husband who does not drink of course) we got down to fucking. I’ll give him credit, he did go down on me (second guy who I’ll talk about later I’m sure never did). But eh idk, he was kind of chubby, which is okay if you like have a big dick but he didn’t. Plus like I hadn’t ever been with a guy with that much a curve before. It’s like wow that’s unfortunate there’s not a ton of it but it still manages to veer so violently…. Plus the thing you kind of expect to happen did happen, where because he’s in an relationship he regularly has sex without condoms, then now he’s drunk and high and wearing a condom and trying to fuck a stranger for the first time. So obviously it was like 5 minutes max he and I were having sex. I remember kind of trying to you know help out but 1) it was cold AF in the room she said we should use, 2) A ton of lights were on and I HATE having sex with the lights on, that’s possibly the squarest thing about me. Then my husband kept at it for longer but because she kept telling him to change positions he ended up just going down on her for a super long time. Like it sucks being drunk and bored and cold and self conscious watching your husband eat some girl out. Like it wasn’t painful, but like that all was far from enjoyable. Then after like another 40 awkward minutes we all gave up, got dressed, we left. The next day I got a text from him saying he was sorry and he’d make it up to me. Now at this point my husband and I had both privately thought this guy is a shit bag. I responded with some like happens to everyone bullshit then he never responded. About two weeks later I inquired with him (husband/her didn’t exchange numbers) if they wanted to try and get together. He took a day to respond claiming he’d left his phone at home the night before and they were busy the night in question. Then silence until yesterday. It was funny because I’d been thinking about them during the day, then he texts me. After some obnoxious small talk back and forth he strongly implies he’s after meeting me for sex because his girlfriend is super busy with work. Like in no way did I ever imply I was into that, and he is not that good in bed and his dick is sub par, what about that am I supposed to be groveling after? I decided silence was a good way to answer his inquiry and today I got the “You there?” Like really? Who does that? Who’s like oh yeah let’s ignore this person for 3 months then hit them up for sex because I’m SUCH a god at it. Pffft. Someone thought they got my number and were wrong. Shocking.

Okay, since I’m on a roll, second guy wasn’t too long after that actually. We met this couple through the same website as the first, but these ones we met at a swanky bar downtown, you know where everything is overpriced. I remember it being cold as shit out. The three of us got really plastered, we barhopped for awhile. Then they seemed to be getting cold feet about the situation so they were going to drop us off at our car, then like we started making out, and they decided they wanted to get a hotel room instead. So we drank at one last bar, the one in the hotel, then we went to our overpriced room. And the guy in this scenario had the same issues, and this one didn’t even smoke weed. But I guess he wasn’t used to that level of alcohol intake, neither was she. I was hungover the next morning but not nearly as bad as the two of them. I don’t think he and I ever actually had sex. I remember sucking his dick a lot and almost vomiting on it a few times (which makes me think of the Sarah Silverman joke where she says that’s okay to do if you can save it at the end with a “Ta-da!”). My husband got to have sex with the girlfriend so that worked out. Then we parted on amicable terms with them the next morning. I was so hung over the rest of the day.

Then, about two weeks after our initial downtown overnight date with V&K (second couple) we were invited to his cabin. I was like how am I friends with someone with a cabin? It was really nice, it was a fun experience, I don’t want to get into extreme details but it was on a small relatively private lake, they had a hot tub on a deck facing the water and for the first time in my life I skinny dipped. There was a cold fall rain that made being in 100 degree water feel awesome. I was also really wasted. Like I just KEEP drinking sometimes. Like I don’t want to stop because that’s going to make me realize that I want food/water/sleep/to be at home. Again my husband and the girlfriend had sex, but again the guy’s dick didn’t work. Like really sometimes this shit makes me feel like my pussy has some kind of repellent in it. But also I guess this second time I fell asleep on him, so who knows? My husband told me this happened because he was having sex on a different bed in the same room. The morning after this night at the cabin things seemed fine, we all sat around drinking coffee and talking for awhile before parting ways. But that was like a little less than 2 months ago, and it’s been radio silence ever since. I can’t tell if I said or did something terrible that I don’t remember? It seems unlikely my sober husband would’ve fucked up enough to make them want to stop communication. Or maybe they just broke up, it could’ve been anything. Both sets of couples weren’t married, in fact the other two sets had both been together for less than a year. The first ones met on OK Cupid the second ones met through friends from college.

So yeah, that’s the not incredibly fabulous story of our brief foray into the swinging world. I feel stupid because I paid for a membership to a website I suddenly have no interest in using. The number of couples looking for couples that are our age bracket, our preferred races (not saying which ones, but lets be fair we can’t help what we find attractive right? this isn’t any worse than fetishizing a race you dicks), smart enough to carry on conversations with, interesting enough to spend “dates” with, etc. it’s a very limited number.

I’d be open to something that comes about organically in the future, and maybe next time I’ll talk about what got us started doing this in the first place.



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