All that’s left unsaid

I am especially (personally) offended by the rude generalizations lobbed at millennials. Having been born in 1988, I’m at the older end of that age spectrum, but I’m still in it.

And, maybe you’ve gathered so far, but I kind of had an absolute shit time as a child, because of my family and because of where I went to school.

Speaking of that topic, I guess I’ll bring up a topic I tend to avoid (you’ll see why). Friends. My whole life, between literature and television, influencing my perceptions of what is normal and what level of attention and support I wanted/expected, I guess I was destined to fail at having friends. I always tried, and I always transitioned from one good friend to another, sometimes amongst different groups. I’ve told you about one time it was literally me against the world as far as school was concerned, I’m sure more will come up later. And it’ll soon establish itself that the 8th grade was one of the hardest years of my life. I didn’t know it then but I was suffering from the amount of existential dread most people only start to feel in their twenties. Yet another thing I don’t share in common with the other millennials. Like…really, you JUST noticed things were like this? You JUST got that living is just one big financial pitfall because that’s how we function as little hamsters on wheels powering the luxury of those who have? I guess it’s the bankruptcies and the mortgages, but I kind of knew that from childhood. But, one good thing that happened in the 8th grade, it was the year I met my best friend. Right now, at the age of 28, I have two friends, more or less. My best friend, who I met in the 8th grade, who was my maid of honor at my wedding, and my work friend, who I’ve known for like a year and a half now. Despite the fact that some of work friend’s traits seriously irritate me, she’s by far the most intelligent non-school person I’ve come across since I moved here almost five years ago. So, can’t just pass that up. Smart people are RARE. And I do drugs every single day. I don’t get how the sober smart ones do it, and obviously there’s a lot of those. I have certain trashy traits I can’t really deny in any sense of the word. That’s one of them. Another is I instinctively think about getting physically aggressive with people whenever they displease me. I’ve never done it, I never will, but the thought really crosses my mind, both in the heat of the moment and afterwards. Like I really do want to fight about it. I WISH a bitch would, just like so much. But I don’t because that’s a deeply unwise thing to do on so many levels. But I’ve never started any of the fights I’ve been in, and the rare ones that occurred were in grade school. Besides my brother of course. But one could at least say that meeting your best friend is a good thing, even if the rest of the year was horrific.

But then, to be fair, four years later, when it was senior year in high school, the same shit kind of happened but in a terrible way. I remember junior year there was a huge fissure with my best friend (and when the best friend has a twin, they kind of just come as a package deal) when she didn’t show up for school one day, I called to see if things were okay/what was going on, and she was just like ‘we’re going to live with our dad now.’ Parents were divorced, had been living with their mom seeing dad every other weekend like most divorcee’s kids. But being 16 or 17, I guess they came across the knowledge that they could choose which parent to live with, so they opted for their dad. I certainly did not blame their choice, for the reasons of the superior of their two parents, and for more materialistic reasons. Their mom showered them with gifts/used gifts to guilt and persuade them but she was not well off, still isn’t Their dad is and was then. He’d remarried by this point I think. AND, the living situation was as such, their dad lived in a duplex and he owned both sides, one being specifically superior to the other, he of course lived in the nicer side, so they got their own duplex. Of course in months to come they would use this newly found freedom to the MAX. Then their brother would swoop in home from college or med school or whatever and make their (and my, somewhat) lives a living hell. But I, as a junior in high school, was particularly incised they hadn’t told me, their very best friend who always drove them everywhere because I had a car/license and they didn’t, they didn’t think it was worth the effort, informing me they were doing this drastic thing. Or at least that’s the way younger me saw it. Now, I feel my reaction would be MUCH less drastic. But, I mean 16 year old girls are going to act a certain way, I guess. At least I did. I think I pretty much stopped talking to both of them. I remember not being on speaking terms with them for prom, I had to use two fill-in, second string friends for that shit because I didn’t have a date. In my defense, that was the only one of the six major high school dances where I didn’t have a date. Though 3/6 my date was my gay friend that went to another high school. In fact, he went to the high school I got ditched for, but that wasn’t until later. All I know is by senior year homecoming (which where I’m from is early to mid October usually. It’s cold out but not real, insane winter yet). Then I had a for real date for freshman homecoming, then senior prom. So the very first and very last. But, for senior homecoming, I know I went with my best friend and our gay dates. She’d never even met her date before, he was a gay friend of my gay friend who we both knew from grade school (well, the one year my best friend went to my grade school, where she was Valedictorian of our class….if she and her sister hadn’t been in our class i would’ve been Salutatorian…more on that irony in a sec). So by that time later that same year I was on good friends terms with best friend. I remember, we spent A LOT of time together, at least that fall, but her twin had started attending the public high school now available to them since they lived in their dad’s zip code (the high school my gay friend attended). We even had like most of our classes together, except when I was in Econ and she was in like AP Calc or whatever. The only class I liked that year was AP English. Duh. Best friend was in that class (also, fun side note, another student in that class was blonde guy from high school, who I will SURELY mention at another time when I’m trying to explain this weird fetish I have). But then she was spending most/all of her spare time with her twin, which was at this skeevy coffee down in olde towne, which is a grimier part of where we’re from, where the burnouts and people who graduated from high school so they’re pretty much done achieving/putting in effort go to impress one another with how arty they are. These were pre-hipsters, now that I think about it… That and they hung out with people they knew from school, they started sneaking out because they could because of their living set up. They would stay up all night talking on message boards (it sounds so dumb to say now) then stay home “sick” the next day. I remember, towards the end of the first semester of senior year, going to school four days in a row was grounds for her telling her dad she’d gone “soooo long” in a row. We both got illegal piercings, but we did that together so I don’t count that as strange behavior on her part as much. I literally had so many piercings at one point. I don’t know why. Like….I had pictures in my underwear on my myspace, showing off my fucking weird rib and hip and sternum piercings. I have symmetrical scars in those places now, which I actually don’t mind that much. I guess I wish the ones in my cleavage weren’t there, but my tits are nice you’re not going to be like omg what is that scar tissue between those. I actually love my boob size because they’re big enough to be ‘big’ (right now I’m a D, but in my thinner days I was a C for sure) but I never have any back pain from them so they’re not big enough for that. It’s a good size.Or maybe I just don’t have back pain because I have, and have always had just like my Grandma, giant fucking feet. But anyway. Best friend was drifting away, and I kind of pieced together through Myspace stalking that she was planning on transferring to the public high school her sister attended. That really, really struck me deep. I mean, I do understand, I’m not being patronizing. She mentioned years later that she’d wanted to be with her twin, because she wasn’t sure how much longer they’d be together given college and whatnot. But she certainly didn’t tell me that back then. She never even told me flat out that it was happening, I just sort of figured really. Then, like, do you realize what it was like for someone like me when the only person you’re friends with, the person you spend most of your enjoyed spare time with, (I get that’s not her fault that the rest of my life sucked so bad, but it did and it was really wearing on me by this point) and then they start being like oh I need to be cool like my twin and drink and do drugs and not invite [me] at all…. Like it wasn’t that she ditched me completely to be all deviant, it’s that she like…ditched me instead of taking me with her. So like…I guess there’s some shit that wrong with me that’s embarrassing? I think of my brother….of how people who meet him think he’s some sort of autistic or retarded but like if I ever told him that he’d probably start crying to my face. Which to me idk I can’t help it I hate it when people cry at me. I do my damnedest to not cry in front of others. My husband sees it a lot but not really anyone else. Or like was she just trying to shake off her old life? I don’t know, to me, it seemed like she really didn’t like me or want to be friends, she just did it because we went to the same school and were in the same classes. So I spent January-March of my senior year of high school completely miserable and alone. I had people to sit with at lunch, so I was very grateful for that, but other than that…I was alone. I’d never had anything going on in the romance department back then. I was pretty, certainly, my god my skin…and I didn’t know how thin 170 pounds actually is….but after that winter, that’s what I weighed, and it was the most I’d weighed in my life. I ate a lot that winter. My dad was sure to point that out to me. To go through my trash, point out the empty potato chip bags and McDonald’s bags…yep, he felt he had a “ruffle a few feathers” when it came to me as well, if you can imagine. If you can also imagine, he doesn’t have a single positive female relationship in his life, past present or future. It’s all such a damn mystery why I refuse contact. I didn’t delete my best friend on Myspace, because that was draaastic (oh, also, to be fair for my shit ass mood the whole time, the only “like” interest I’d seriously had senior year was concerning a coworker I’d had a crush on. At certain moments it seemed like he liked me too, others definitely not. He went to the college in town that I myself would attend that next fall (2006). Things obviously did not work out and that December he dropped out of that college and moved permanently back home. THEN – actually interesting side note, it wasn’t our age difference, he literally almost immediately started dating a girl the same age as me (18). He proposed to her at her senior prom, like out on the dance floor. They have four children, they’re still married. I’m actually Facebook friends with his wife so I know more about his life than seems non-creepy. BUT that was the only thing I had going in that department, and it painfully petered out…as you can see) but I didn’t have much more to do with my best friend than that. She started dating this guy who was like 20 who worked at the same mall as her.

What ended up saving my sanity and dignity for the last little stretch of senior year was actually a person who has grown up to be a real vapid asshole (I’m NOT his Facebook friend, let me tell you). BUT, after a brief…uh…fling? with a cute guy who went to the same public high school as the twins whose cousin went to my school which EVERYONE knew about because one of the more popular couples in my high school saw us out and about together one night. He was the first guy I ever kissed, but I wouldn’t let him past second (which to me is any action above underwear, anything where fabric is between you aside from dry humping) because like….FFS what am I? Like I wanted him to at least exclusively and publicly be my boyfriend before I did anything to his dick or he saw vagina, and I knew from DEEP Myspace creeping that he was DEFINITELY talking to other girls and was way into his ex too. It didn’t take his skanky ex long to notice and get jealous either.  After agreeing to be my prom date, he promptly got back together with this skank who would immediately dump him after graduation.I know it’s hatespeech but I was SO upset by this selfish person’s actions, who certainly knew who I was and what her ultimatum-ing would do. She was literally on spring break, alone with her friends, in Mexico, and she’d told him she couldn’t believe he was thinking about being with someone else, and going to my prom with me I’d imagine because by know everyone knew because that same day I’d told someone after keeping it hush hush and that if he broke off all communication with all other girls there was a the sliiiiiightest, maaaaaybe of a chance she’d take him back. So of course he did that and was waiting with like 3 dozen roses and a giant box of chocolates at the airport for her when she got back from spring break. So, I spent my spring break working every day at the pet store I’d work at through undergrad and then this guy calls all tearfully (probably fake, now that I think about it) saying he was so sorry but he couldn’t talk to me anymore. After my best friend dropping out on my like three months before that, and the guy I liked before that immediately finding another girl my age who in my opinion is less attractive (and not me, so….) to immediately be obsessed/in love with. THAT was my track record for life senior year so far. And my dad and brother had been SO up in my business about both of those guys. I mean, if it was coming from a place of actual love and concern it’d be one thing, but I swear on all that I can swear on, it wasn’t. It was just invasive, and the need to be controlling, the need ‘to boss’ as my Grandma liked to put it. Very much the need to boss, but also deep laziness, so they’re not going to actually HELP you, they’re going to armchair lecture you with the TV on mute. It was all so horrendous. I remember my dad point blank asking me if I’d lost my virginity to the prom guy. Like I’d been hanging out with him for like 3 weeks. I mean people at school asked me that same shit (over AIM at least) but I didn’t think my dad harbored the same low opinion of me. Despite fervently hating him by this point, I was still amazed at how shitty a human being he could be. And of course I hadn’t, but it was being made to admit that, to someone who was in no ways anything a father should be, who decided to be controlling and invasive one moment, but gave no fucks about you/would do nothing to help you if he wasn’t feeling it, which was a lot of the time given his love of vodka mixed into Nyquil and downers and opiates. Granted the drinking came and went, but the fucked up shit he did never really went away. Like I said, most of the time people are going to scoff and tell me I should appreciate that he cared. But he didn’t. Not in the way/for the reasons a sane, sound person would. It’s all so fucked. I literally had to rip the bandage right off, and leave it off and just fucking bolt. It took my long enough, and I regressed once. It won’t happen again.

But back to best friend. See her disappearance is all tied up with guys appearing in my life, it’s odd. Granted i had to wait through the second worst winter of my young life, but it got all right. I never made any new friends, but from like the Easter of that year on, for the first time in my life I had a boyfriend. So that made it easier. He really did make moving out of my parents easier that June (he had a pick up). I didn’t spend my first actual night away from home alone because of him, which was appreciated. Of course we broke up that August, and I was obviously devastated….but you know who I started hanging around with that fall? The best friend. She’d always talked about going away for college, I’d stayed in the hometown area and enrolled in the hometown university though I was living by myself with  a 21 year old roommate. But, because she’d abruptly moved in with her boyfriend after graduation from the other high school, she had a change of plans I guess. So she and I ended up at the same school again. I remember her coming over a few times while I lived in my first apartment. Then, fast forward a year to when I lived in my first solo apartment. I started hanging out with best friend a little bit more as we lived somewhat nearby and went to the same college. We would go to the gym together, go out for lunch, take smoke breaks on campus. Then, I started dating one of her many male roommates (she was still living with the same boyfriend). And let me say, that relationship was 8 months long. Which was about half as long as it should have been. He sucked. Like as much as a person can suck. BUT, for the first time in my life I was hanging out with more than 1 other person on a regular basis. And breaking up would mean much less best friend time since she lived with him and was dating his best friend. Though, that relationship had run its course by this point, I just feel like she was attached to him, which is natural. But it happened anyway, right before my 20th birthday, which was also right AFTER the boyfriend and I signed a 13 month lease together. So I had the burden of the rent of a 2 person apartment for one person…with my 30-odd hour a week like $8.55/hour pet store job…I took out a $10,000 loan that summer after having taken a collective $6000 out before this $10K because obviously my shitty ex bailed and went back to living more or less as a squatter (since he always squelched/forgot to pay his share of things yet he resided in the house. Something about sleeping on the couch made him feel like there were squatters rights or something. He was an unbelievable mooch to me as well. I’m sure I’ll get into that more later). He almost immediately started dating this fat chick from his work who I STRONGLY suspect he fucked before we broke up, or he at least wanted to and was planning on it as soon as he could. He’d cheated on girlfriends he’d liked more than me. He made it obvious he wasn’t over his high school girlfriend, despite being 21 and their both having been with multiple other lovers since then. And he’d cheated on her…so…. But anyway it didn’t matter we always used a condom he seemed to lazy to really go and get checked. Plus we didn’t have sex that much because he wouldn’t try and I wouldn’t try either and to sleep we went. He would spent A LOT of nights at ‘the house’ playing video or computer games. I fucking hate gamers. My side chick was a gamer, it’s such an all consuming nerdy fucking thing…it’s ridiculous. So, the break up happened. I didn’t have anything sex wise come my way until that next fall (remember blonde guy from AP English?  That’s why I said remember him). I still spent a lot of time with best friend, but I also spent a lot of time alone. Her breakup with mall boyfriend from high school came about, actually at an accelerated rate due the end of my relationship with gamer loser (yeah, yeah, I know, you dated him and fucked him you loser whore @ me, but a lot of people do stupid shit when they’re 19, at least I was on birth control. My first boyfriend had moved to Arizona the summer proceeding my meeting gamer loser.THAT had been a mess…but that’s for another time.

So even after the demise of gamer loser and I, which made best friend and her boyfriend argue, which led to them breaking up. Which was MESSY. On his part. He was stupid and hurtful and terrible. Like they’d still been living int he same house, though she’d moved into her own bedroom. He thought it would be totally fine (all the while under the impression they’d get back together, he’d later attest) to hang out with/get plastered with this REALLY unstable girl who was on lithium (one night she even slept upstairs in his bedroom with him, he swears they didn’t have sex, but I feel like they had sex) then he completely ghosted her because he thought it was funny or something, or it was just to make best friend jealous, which it didn’t so much make her jealous as it made her fill with indignant rage. She actually moved out on her own. I tried to get her to move in with me, given that I had the space for another person, but she didn’t like the location of my apartment she claimed. Then she told me later on that if she was going to ruin a friendship by moving in with someone, she would rather it be this bitch from her work than me. Which she does still hate that bitch…so…. I took out that loan and afforded things that way. I kind of did like living on my own. My childhood had already trained me to want to be alone, and what I liked most was getting really stoned by myself and watching South Park while eating cereal. This was the time, when I was 20, when my brother’s life started to unravel. Can’t get into all that right now, but believe me it was a stressful-ass shitshow. It directly affected me because my parents made me deal with all of their problems. My dad had this fun habit of showing up at my apartment (that I paid for entirely on my own mind you) unannounced…as if to see what I was up to….I don’t know when it’s coming from someone who’s the epitome of negative and angry and selfish…it’s unsettling. Then, that fall, as best friend and I began our third year of college together, there was the very short-lived joy of blonde guy I had had a thing for since high school. But, he was so not over his ex in any way, and despite the fact that I knew that…yeah I don’t know I guess I was hoping I’d change his mind, or something. At first I feel like he was interested, or maybe not. It got weird because there were these moments where like…I had to convince him to have sex. It wasn’t like coercion, or begging, or anything like that, but I mean he did hesitate. Which now, I REALLY have a distaste for in lovers…let me say…. so I guess I was in the wrong. I’m just always really attracted to people who I can sense are fucked up, possibly more than me. I feel like we might’ve had something of a chance if his baggage hadn’t been there. But, what does that matter now? Again, best friend relationship strong through all of this.

Then, when the 2 bedroom’s lease was up, i moved into a rental house with a friend from pet store job. The only sex I had going on when that first happened was blonde guy one last time (actually the worst time out of them all…the best was in his garage…which isn’t as greasy as it seems, it had a living room/den area to it) and then this hot but dumb and kind of mean guy I met through roommate’s boyfriend. The sex had not been worth it, despite his hotness. Then it became obvious he was only interested in some on-call booty call and I called it quits with that and was convinced by that point that I was to never have a fulfilling, loving relationship with a man. All the while, still very close with best friend and dealing with my family’s madness. I was well aware my best friend was moving to go to state school that fall, while I’d be finishing my bachelors in English at the same school I’d started at four years before. It took me five total. But that wasn’t until August or September…and that June is when I met my future husband, when my best friend was casually kind of seeing a guy who went to the same college as us but lived near my rental in a nearby town. He’d come over to my place a mutual hangout area because neither he or my best friend wanted to really offer up their apartment given his living with his mother and sister and her bitch roommate. Sometimes he would bring friends over too, it was astounding to him to be in a house where we could openly smoke as much weed as we wanted. Which we did. And one of the guys that he brought over was my husband. I didn’t know it at the time, but he was high on shrooms that night that we met. He kept annoying me with how loudly he was talking. I forget the EXACT mechanics of it, but he was invited to a group hanging out at my house once, then one time I met a few others at his house and we smoked hookah in his basement. Then we were Facebook friends. Then from there we had each others’ numbers and were texting to hang out. Then we hung out a few times. Then I guess pretty quickly after that we started having sex, but I’ll give him credit, he did wait a little and there were a few nights where you make out but don’t have sex that are like short-lived and therefore rare and all. Then we were dating, then not that long after that he moved in with me in my rental because his mom said I couldn’t spend the night at their house (he’d told me it was cool, which led to an awkward morning one morning…). Then, before that next Christmas my future husband and I were moving into our own place. We’ve been living together ever since. And he came into my life the same summer I knew was my last living in close proximity to best friend. It was fine, and so oddly fitting, to almost trade them off like that. The friendship was still there, but there’s a frequency capable from close quarters that just naturally can’t be there in different cities, now states. I finally moved from the hometown too though, and now I think of being back there and it seems terrible.

These days, best friend and I see each other maybe twice a year. Though in another state, she’s only a six hour train ride/ four hour car drive (I love the train, personally) and she does come back through to see her parents and younger sister. Her twins in another state down south now, seems to love it. Like I said she was my maid of honor. She’s incredibly busy, and I knew it was going to happen, but it was disappointing all the same not getting to include her for things most people include their MOH for – like she never went to a dress trying on session,  I just texted her pictures of the dress options for herself and picked the one I thought would please everyone the most. The only friend bridesmaids I had were best friend and her twin. The rest (4 others) were husband’s sisters, sister in law, and one cousin. I picked the prettiest cousin, I won’t lie about it. That’s how I went about it, he still have 1 more than me, but I didn’t feel like there was anyone else. The cousin I picked also invited me to her wedding, so I at least was an attendee for hers, untrue of all of his other cousins, and on both sides that’s a big number. But my MOH/best friend was super busy and in another state…so….you know that’s life. She still threw me a bachelorette party, and did the whole wedding weekend.

Now, like i said, we’re at least guaranteed seeing each other around the winter holidays, but she usually has her boyfriend with her, obviously. I like her current bf more than any of the others, who had all been like okay on some level, but a few were more…dickish….than I prefer…. but anyway. We also speak via text sometimes but it’s been over a year since we’ve talked on the phone. She doesn’t seem to like it. We were on an emailing basis for awhile…but I find typing cathartic and I have the deep need to go on and on and on (like I need to explain this to you….) and so I don’t think she liked that either. I don’t get if my issue is I’m too weirdly open to people who aren’t expecting it or….like….I just like the wrong people….or I don’t know I’m too needy? It’s something I’m doing I’m sure. Because it’s like I am married and I do have a best friend, but we have had some ROUGH patches already and I see my best friend a collective 7 hours/year. Not to diminish the fact that she does go out of her way to spend time with me when she’s in the state.

But anyway, I have to go make dinner. I tried HelloFresh and I actually freaking love it. Last night was Lemony Shrimp Rissotto and tonight is maple balsamic chicken with sweet potatoes and broccoli. I love the concept of not having to go to a store for fresh groceries. Fuck stores and the people in them.

 

~Cass

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