Lately, I have been incredibly lonely.
That’s honestly the worst part of all of it right now. But there’s a lot. Want me to run down a list that I’ll probably get lost in a rant during? Okay if you insist.
-I am so fucking sick of being fucking poor. A lack of financial security was a common topic in the home I was brought up in. My mom said just a week or so ago that she’d had to turn to her mom for financial assistance all the time, because there was always one financial struggle after another for them. My dad’s losing his good job when I was 5 and my brother was 8 and then being unemployed for the next 3 years PROBABLY didn’t help. Honestly it’s astounding that job even gave him a pension. My husband and I were just talking about this last night, and I think they did that out of pity for my mother and my brother and I. Plus…anyone who knew him even a little probably already did feel really sorry for her. Which is what you should feel towards my mom. Like I really do not at all ever tolerate anyone talking bad about her to me. Like, I can’t even do that when it’s healthy, so don’t fucking start with that shit to me when it’s malicious. Again, I wouldn’t have this problem if my dad hadn’t just CONSTANTLY berated my mother to me, both in front of her and behind her back. So I already grew up in a situation where I heard A LOT of fights about money, mostly it’s lack and my parents inability to keep their head above water. My dad’s obsessive spending probably has something to do with it. I mean of course he doesn’t do that now because he can’t but he’s definitely one of those people who gets $ and HAS to blow it immediately. It’s a VERY common strain of white trash characteristic. I know because I worked in specialty retail for 11 years, and I see what the trashiest/poorest do with their tax refunds (because they get the biggest ones because they have multiple children). So I didn’t know what it was like to have anything extra. My Grandma was the only reason I even got like new school clothes or homecoming and prom dresses. She was also the only reason my brother and I went to private school. Pretty much anything good in my young life somehow sourced from my Grandma. I mean don’t get me wrong she could be a huge bitch (her mother wound isn’t as strong with me because she’s a generation removed, and I saw her twisting the knife with my mom so much it’s going to build resentment, because when my mom was REALLY upset about my Grandma, just take one fucking guess who she talked to about it) but yeah my first statement is just as true. Then from there, I don’t know I just kind of launched myself into debt. I moved out of my parents’ house as quick as I could. My idea was to take out student loans as needed to cover college, and work for my money to live on. Well, that idea worked for the first nine months of my life on my own, because I shared an apartment with a roommate. But she finished college and I moved into my own one bedroom. I didn’t know how to find a roommate, I didn’t want to risk it online again. I ended up taking out personal loans on top of the federal loans I was getting to go to college. I mean I did qualify for some scholarships, but those are only for so much, or only for so many years, so especially 3rd year on it was pretty much all federal loans for college (AND I did that same thing for graduate school….please…don’t judge me…..) and of course I have a decent amount of credit card debt because…okay I know to a smart person this will sound dumb but sometimes you’re like oh I can’t afford this so I better get a charge for it. I mean you can get a credit line going so you have a credit score. But I’m a minimum payment typa bitch, ESPECIALLY lately, as I’m slowly getting to. So I have about 90K in total loan debt because of school. BUT, I mean I make $17.50 an hour at my job, but I have a 401K and health insurance for both of us taken out of there. We’d be okay if my husband worked at a similar job, or even a little less. I’ve never not made more than him. I’ve always worked MUCH, MUCH more. I know if he read those two sentences he’d be so offended. He has this way about him, I don’t know what to call it, but it’s when someone feels like you’re constantly taking a slight at them, that you’re always trying to make them feel bad about themselves. I mean there have been times when I’ve shouted “Well you should feel bad!” back to that, but other times he really needs to get a thicker skin. I don’t know where it comes from. And then it makes me a little afraid because, am I like, so awful all the time? I mean….I guess….it’s possible I’m crazy and delusional like my father and I just think I’m normal, because let me tell you, HE sure thinks HE’S normal. He doesn’t even know how awful he is. That’s one, of many, of the worst parts. My husband couldn’t work when he was in college, and in the time it took him to finish his bachelor’s, I finished my bachelor’s and got my masters. Despite the fact that I was working full time the whole time and taking care of the house. But, in the August of 2016, my husband finished college. He was going to apply where I work, but I knew he didn’t want to. Then, the girl he was trying to extra-martial with from college (I’ve mentioned her right? I mean I knew about it, as he knew about my side chick) offered him a position where she worked (a place, also, operated by her mother). He took it, I felt with the intention of using it to gain access to this chick’s pussy. His employment there spanned over Christmas. My mother in law bought me a gold sweater which I think is pretty but does NOT sit flatteringly on me at all so I never wear it and some hideous fake gold jewelry from Kohl’s that I’m sure I’ll never wear. She told me to wear it to a work Christmas party. My job does not have one, at all, which is kind of nice because who really wants to do that? They give us catered lunch a few times a year, so that’s preferable in my opinion. She asked my husband if his new job had one, he told her yes, she asked why I wasn’t going to his work Christmas party, I told her I wasn’t invited. My husband tried to imply it was work-people only. My mother in law tried to push it for a minute, she told me it was implied spouse’s should go. I acted like I didn’t care either way because I wasn’t going to explain the actual situation, that my husband was hoping to go home with a coworker he wanted to have sex with. He did, but they didn’t end up having sex. But then that job is contingent on the school year, so instead of finding something lucrative, something related to his field a little, he ended up taking a landscaping job. And that’s what he did up until two weeks before this past Christmas. Since then, he hasn’t been working at all. Luckily his parents have been able to help us with the rent, and I’ve managed the other bills. But, when there’s 2 people and one income, and you have the debt that I do, it’s REALLY hard to keep up. I’ve been ordering whatever I can from Jet instead of shopping at a store (it’s cheaper). I pack my lunch 4 days a week, I only get coffee from a coffee shop on days i go in at 6am. BUT, I do spend a lot on weed. There’s no denying that. BUT, the fact remains, things could be relatively comfortable for us….if both of us are working. This whole constantly being broke but still working full time, sometimes on Saturdays too, it’s VERY demoralizing. It’s just hard, and yes sure I guess it shouldn’t be because I should count my blessings/not feel sorry for myself, but I literally don’t have anyone to talk to, that’s another item on this long ass list, and so here we are, with the complaining and the feeling sorry for myself. So it like kind of sucks, you know, I went to school with a bunch of kids a lot more privileged than me. It definitely gives you a perspective on what other people who are no different/any better than you getting a WAY luckier hand in life. I mean, also the shitty shitty crazy horrible to be around father and the depressive, disassociative mother and the douche older brother who alternately was really nice/a huge asshole but usually just the second one….they didn’t help this perspective. I’ve said before about how lonely I was. Well, in addition to being jealous of their stable, supportive, sane, normal parents, and their likewise siblings who didn’t constantly cause problems and trouble. AND they get all these material possessions, and get to go on these awesome, frequent vacations…while I’m…. I guess I shouldn’t look at someone who got something undeservedly and wish I had as well, or instead. But…I mean people born into wealth, and privilege, or even just financial stability and comfort….it’s all just random chance. It’s not like they actually DESERVE the money someone generations removed earned. But I’m getting off topic, I really don’t want to purge the wealthy because then I’d just become what I hate after I stole their wealth. But I’ve always had the stress cloud of money hanging over my head. And now I work really hard, and full time, like always, and I still don’t have anything to show for it. Just having existed. Just two degrees I don’t use. Just a husband who kind of doesn’t seem like he’s that into me anymore. Like this is another item on this list but our sex life is so depressing. And the RARE occasions he brings it up I just end up getting mad because boy does it sure seem to him like he’s the only one who is suffering, like I for some reason wouldn’t want a regular, good sex life with my husband. But mostly we just don’t talk about it. We’re too busy talking about money. When we talk. Which isn’t a lot. Especially lately. He’s descended into this depressed stupor about the fact that he’s had a few hot leads that went nowhere, that he’s applied to so many places and gotten such little feedback (my side chick experienced this as well only much worse, but with both of them I didn’t have the heart to point out it was their I’m-a-lazy-shitty-person work history) and he’s still unemployed, and he quit smoking weed so he could pass a drug test if need be so that’s depressing to have to do in an of itself. So he keeps weird hours. I see him for a few hours in the evening and I mean a few. Either he’s asleep when I get home, or he passes out right after we eat dinner, or both. So we’re poor, broke, all the time, I still have to work and possibly get yelled at every day, and he’s moody and unhappy and down about himself. He told me like 4 days this week he was too depressed to work out (We have a nice set of weights so it doesn’t cost anything). On Wednesday night, when he was saying good night to me, as he always does because I go to bed many hours before he does, he started getting pissed with me because I used to guilt him about going to Jiu Jitsu two or three times a week. I don’t feel like I was that bad I mean I didn’t act happy, but I never asked him not to go, or openly told him it was really upsetting for me. He’s just at the highest possible octave of high-strung when it comes to being sensitive about being guilted. Catholic mother, and all. But anyway, I hope this incredibly terrible paragraph has driven home the point that I very much have always been plagued by money troubles. Some my fault, some not. It’s wearing on me. I’m almost 29, I still live paycheck-day before paycheck. We had $9 in the only checking account we have when I deposited my paycheck today. There’s always so many bills. It’s all just so depressing and disheartening and discouraging after awhile. AND IT’S BEEN A LONG, LONG WHILE.
-Aside from the money troubles, like I said above, I don’t have anyone to talk to. I think I’ve explained why I can’t talk to my husband, especially in part because a lot of it is about him. I have 1 friend in the area I live in. We’ve been down here 5 years, but I don’t know, how does an adult make friends? My two sources have always been work and school, so if it doesn’t happen there…then…what? I know there are websites where you can find adult friends and it’s not sexual (there’s also so many more sites where it is sexual…I should know). But I’m over meeting people online for awhile. My work friend is a good friend, but we’re work friends. We never really hang out outside of work lunches and the occasional weekend activity. So to me that’s a more superficial friendship, BUT I do talk to her about some stuff. But she’s only at like level 5 clearance, there’s a lot more to get through before you hit the real me at most points. My only other real friend is my friend from the 8th grade/my MOH, whom I know I’ve mentioned at this point. But, as the years go on, it’s definitely more of a like…we see each other once a year or twice a year and exchange Christmas/birthday presents, but a lot of times we don’t really communicate that much. Especially like, I feel like someone can kind of imply they’re not into having a more…I don’t even know how to put it. Like I remember once, long ago, I’d say 4 or more years, my husband was very drunk, and very angry over something I’d done, well i guess more than one thing, that he thought was very cruel/wrong of me. And the ensuing fight/ordeal had me convinced we were going to break up. I called her about it. Now, the idea of calling a friend just because we were fighting, even terribly, it just wouldn’t happen. I guess distance came about between the two of us and neither bothered to change it. It just sucks when you’re like, there’s no one to really confide in, at least not about everything that’s bothering me.
-Another, and this is a big one, and just because it’s been happening a long time doesn’t mean