Yeah just that subject should tel you this will be a real one. After all, I think I’ve expressed a great deal of what I feel about them already. But I realize, sometimes, that most people don’t totally understand about my brother. I think I might be the only one who does, because the only other people who MIGHT have are my mom (who…I mean if you want to get technical about it is kind of an idiot, at least when you constantly disassociate from the emotional pain in your life instead of dealing with the cause of it, your husband, you’re kind of just off in your own world, not closely observing the emotional turmoil your children are constantly subjected to) and my dad…and my dad is the cause of…hmm….let’s say like..80% of my brother’s problems. There’s also….something….about my brother….that kind of got really amplified because he was treated so badly for so long, by someone whose only meaning in life stems from torturing other people. And to be frank, my brother isn’t nearly as smart as I am. I’m not just talking school, but obviously I always excelled there and he always just scraped by. And it wasn’t that he was stupid or couldn’t learn, he just did not and would not give a fuck. He was just too good and too cool for any of that. He was definitely the sort of student I saw in my own grade, usually a boy but not always, turned things in late, goofed off in class when they were specifically supposed to be doing something, projects and speeches were always sub par, I think you know who I’m talking about. The boys were good at gym usually, the girls not even that.They just obviously cared less. Why they cared less, I can’t say. I’ll admit that I am definitely of a certain mind that the traditional education system works with. I don’t want to be a hands-on learner. I never minded being lectured…I guess you could say….Yeah, there were certain things that my childhood prepped me for in a big way, and I’m not going to ignore them, but I feel like you should be able to understand why I’m not like…THANKING….anyone for them. But yeah, I mean honestly my dad was such a fucking psycho all the time, it caused a few things that, looking back, I see teachers and other adults I interacted with might have found unusual/unappealing (to Lutherans, those words mean the same thing). 1) I KNOW for a fact some adults, like my 2nd grade teacher who was married to my 8th grade teacher (for half the day at least) who was also the DCE at the church afffiliated (and in the same building with) my grade school, did NOT like how forward/familiar I was with adults, BUT when your mom constantly keeps you in the loop of her adult world, I don’t know there’s blurred lines. I’m honestly not talking about anything all the depraved, but I guess I was all too comfortable joining in on adult gossip, for one. But it’s because I didn’t quite understand where the line of propriety was, because trust me, I didn’t get any of those in my life.  This same 8th grade teacher told my best friend’s mom, having been invited to her house for dinner shortly after my best friend and her twin started going to my school, that he thought my mom allowed my brother and I too much freedom for how old we were. That’s as much as he was willing to say, because I mean he’s not a stupid person, he was I’m sure well aware my best friend would tell me what he said. So that was the kindest way he could think to put it. So…all right. Yeah that sort of behavior is NOT a child’s fault at all. As much as I detest most children (you try working 11 years in retail, in PET STORE retail, and not just fucking hate demanding, grubby-handed little screechers who are getting a pet because their parents are sick of their whining over one, but it’ll end up dead in its first year like 90% of the time. And I’m not even exaggerating. Rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters, do EVERYONE, and not to mention the animals, a favor and BUY THEM A TOY INSTEAD.  PLEASE. That’s what they really want! Aghhh! You have no idea. It upsets me to think about. But, we’re on a different topic that upsets me to think about, so one at a time I guess. 2) Because I was smart, I read a lot, I also had access to cable, and our cable was pirated so it included racier channels, and I had an older brother whose room I enjoyed going through when he was gone. This was something I only did at a very young age, because if you get caught doing something like that it doesn’t bode well with a personality like my brother’s. So okay, because of a combination of all of the factors I just mentioned, I tended to be the one who ‘knew stuff.’ Let me be quite clear – I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 18. I didn’t kiss anyone until I was 18. It was fucking embarrassing to admit, I’ll tell you that. The second one I mean. I mean most people have a boyfriend of sorts before that age, but not me. SO, no matter what people thought it meant, or how ‘dirty’ it made me seem, I was the one friend someone asked what ‘jerking off’ or ‘blow job’ meant, and it in no way affected my own virtue. I just don’t like that, in that environment, I was painted quite differently than I was in reality. Like, have you ever been tricked into repeating a really dirty joke in the wrong place? Oh that happened to me, really bad one time. But it doesn’t matter know the woman who was a youth bible study leader who’d yelled at me so sternly so saying it, she had two daughters, and the younger one was a huge skank in the I’m so gross no one will date me but I do sex things with a group of guys because I hang out and drink with them, SO maybe she should’ve been dedicated that rage and judgment a little more homeward and her youngest could’ve been spared the embarrassment of sucking a dude off while three of his friends secretly watched. But anyway. One person who had quite the firm opinion that I was a little slutty slut was my best friend’s mother. Now granted, we’ve all come to admit that she is just batshit crazy and must be tolerated because…idk the mother wound keeps her coming back I guess….but back then when we were kids, parents wielded significant power, AND her mom was specifically very controlling and invasive and nosy. When I was 16 I was definitely the only one in my group of friends that had a job, and shortly after that I was one of the only ones with a car. But what happens when your children’s friends start driving, you lose a lot of control. This was a time before most of my friends had cell phones of their own. We all had them by college, of course, but we went largely unmonitored as teens. So her mom had an even deeper resentment of me from that, but even before my working and driving days had begun, she’d openly remarked pretty hateful things about me to her daughters. Come to think of it….I don’t really know why the both of them always felt so compelled to tell me what she said about me. I think maybe it made me cool to them? Like if you resent and secretly dislike your mother, you might want to be friends with someone she detests so much. For example, she told them things like “[She] wears enough make up to last a normal person 3 days.” For one, that was just untrue. I didn’t even wear that much make up in the 8th grade. Eyeshadow, maybe eyeliner (bottom only, lololol) that was usually it. I wasn’t good at applying it, to be certain. But make up application, along with plucking their eyebrows and shaving their legs, was something that their mom wouldn’t allow the twins to do until she said it was appropriate for them to do so. The only exception was when they’d been in dance recitals, and I’d seen the pictures from those, when their mom had done their make up, and she’d made her lovely daughters look like eighties coke whores. She probably saw some things she resented about herself in me. That’s the issue with most people. The birthday party thing my ninth grade year was to rent a hotel room and have a sleepover there. To use the pool, get pizza or McDonald’s brought in by a parent, it was great. A friend whose birthday was in March (a month before mine) had a hotel party. Her parents were staying at the hotel as well but in another, adjacent room (they’d needed a smoking room, because those existed back then). My best friend and her twin were warned by her mother that if I “snuck out to do research” they were to stay behind in the hotel room. Yes, that was 14 year old me all right, sneaking around a hotel, prowling for sexual encounters. Like really when I think about what she said about me because her daughters knew what ‘blow job’ meant without her consent, FFS. I seriously still resent and hate this woman. The twins were both in my wedding party but I explicitly forbid my mom from inviting their mom. Then, about a month later it was time for my birthday party and, for reasons that were embarrassing to admit, which I’ll get into, my mom only got one room, for my and my friends. She’d be around for part of the evening of course, but she was going to sleep at our house. The first big reason for this was because my parents didn’t have the money for a second hotel room. I had already been told what a burden the one was. And even if they had somehow had the money, which they didn’t, my dad would NOT have liked that. Just why was she staying in a room by herself? Did you notice anyone coming and going? What was she up to all night? I could just hear the questions he’d have for me. I could only imagine what he’d ask her in private. So, for unspeakable reasons, my party wouldn’t have a nearby adult supervision room. The twins’ mom DID NOT like that one bit. I remember I was on the phone with one of them, they were acting as translator for their mom who had questions for me but didn’t want to speak directly to me, and when she asked for my parents’ room number so she ‘could call if she needed to’ and the twin relayed the information that my parents wouldn’t be staying (the idea that my dad would be involved with a party of mine at all is insane. He wouldn’t even go to my Baptism which happened when I was in the 3rd grade so I remember it well. More of that later) I remember how loudly I’d heard her squawk “WHAT?!” in the background of the phone. Then suddenly it became worthy of her attention and she was on the phone, talking to my mom. It was a mess.


Ugh okay I got really distracted talking about this, but it’s because I honestly feel like throughout my entire childhood, and through my brother’s childhood, we were pre-programmed to be detestable to shitty adults. And unfortunately when that’s what you’re surrounded by, you get picked on a lot. Like, it shouldn’t happen, because they’re all children, and these individuals certainly wouldn’t have tolerated such exacting criticism, rudeness, ridicule, towards their own precious spoiled sure of themselves children, but sometimes adults like forget who they are and start getting shitty and childish with one student more than another because, I mean I get that they’re human, but I feel like Lutheran teachers are a flawed bunch. Some are there because they genuinely want to teach Christian children. Some are there because you can get grandfathered in to a sweet gig if you just let the Lutheran river take you. I.e. there were teachers who had gotten their job at schools like mine because they went to Lutheran schools Pre-K -> College. A LOT of them had parents who were either teachers themselves, or in the case of the men, pastors. It’s a thing that happens. These shitty, shitty educators who do not deserve the responsibility they have, get swept into a teaching role because of their impeccable credentials, from a Lutheran standpoint. Plus, honestly, I feel like there’s a certain thing that happens to teachers who get burned out. Especially ones that teach younger kids, like below the 8th grade. They start acting like their students. The  immature, jabby humor, the snide remarks and eye rolls. Then they still have that I’m-right-and-I-know-it attitude teachers always have. It’s WEIRD coming out of a 40 or 60 or 70 year old But I’ve definitely seen it firsthand.


reason i know it’s 9th grade not 8th

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