when something delights me in a dark, familiar way only the left half of my mouth smiles

It’s a quirk I noticed from being fucked up on occasion. Today, for a lot of reasons, I bought Absolut vodka after work. I haven’t had much, but it doesn’t take much anymore.

An ODD amount of rage and animosity have been in my life lately. It’s giving me an possible idea for a second book. It’s not like…done…yet….but sometimes you have to follow through on something you find your imagination fixate on. But NOT your dreams. Omg, don’t get me started with that shit. That’s a huge peeve of mine, when people tell you about their dreams. IT DOESN’T MATTER. Also, IT’S NOT INTERESTING. It might be of interest to the dreamer, because 1) you saw it, 2) it’s YOUR memories and experiences getting scrambled together before they file (either back or for the first time) as long term memory. You know the shit that happens when you sleep. It’s of note, sometimes, what your mind can come up with, but ONLY TO YOU. Agh.

But that’s not why I’m here. I’m here because  I’m drunk and lonely, of course. I used to get like this all the time when I was young, when I first lived on my own and was on my own in pretty much every sense. But I didn’t have access to getting fucked up then. I was underage for booze, and I didn’t know about weed yet. I tried it because my best friend offered it. I don’t say that because i think my current…uh….usage….is her doing. It’s a person’s choice to do a drug. I’m not saying that to vilify drug users and addicts either. I’m just saying I wasn’t like tricked or coerced. But then yeah it made dealing with deep drama my family caused in my early 20s, that I’m sure I’ll get to at some point a lot easier. I didn’t get into drinking at all until I was dating my future husband. I used to HATE beer and think it was all gross and weird and like piss in more than one way (taste, color). Ha, look at me now, right?

Of course another book idea I have is somehow compiling this, of course. I wouldn’t be doing this for NO reason.

So this week sucked. I mean I don’t have to work tomorrow, so that’s tight and all, but damn are things fucked. I mean not that fucked I guess but not great.

So my mom’s birthday was last Saturday, and my DICKWAD dad and brother didn’t do anything. Like literally didn’t even get a cake. And she told me about it when I asked. And then after my response to that, she did this thing were she totally dissociates herself from a situation that’s shitty, like most of her life. She wrote an email that didn’t acknowledge a single thing I had said in the previous email and was just her telling me about her day. It’s frustrating, when you know your parents has willingly mentally checked out of a situation because it’s too much for her to try to deal with. She’s always done that, but it’s still shitty. So I didn’t email her for a few days. I was irritated. Then she did that thing where she’s worried about me if I’m silent. It’s annoying, all of this.

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