Sometimes I wonder

Well, things seem to be getting slightly shittier than normal every day. The newest thing, on top of the other HUGE GLARING THINGS THAT STILL REMAIN UNRESOLVED, now I can’t even do our laundry at home. Part of the lease we signed for this house maintains that we are responsible for appliance upkeep. So now that our washer doesn’t work, it’s up to us to have it repaired. I have no idea what that sort of thing costs, but I know I don’t have the money. I filed our last year’s taxes, because look at the date. We owe $1742 in taxes. Because my W4 was wrong, but I didn’t correct it until October, and apparently at the three different employers my husband worked for he didn’t do a W4 correctly once. So there’s that to pay. There’s the washer to fix. In the meantime I guess I’m taking our laundry to a laundromat, and that sounds terrible. I use an app and pay someone to buy my groceries for me…do I seem like someone who wants to publicly wash their clothing? But, I don’t see any other option. But on top of everything else, not even being able to do the laundry is so depressing. At this point, it’s impossible not to freak out at my husband all the time. I am so tired of being upset about this topic. I am so sick of almost wanting to, and sometimes starting to, cry at my desk while I’m at work. This is Saturday night, which should be one of the best times of my week. But I’m really just perpetually reminded of how lonely and boring my life is. It’s nice to relax, and sleep in and all, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes the weekends depress me the most. When it’s never, ever you, sometimes seeing others’ vacation photos will bum you out. You don’t begrudge others their good time, but it’s like….meh….must be nice to vacation like ACTUALLY vacation, but I couldn’t be sure as I’ve never done it.

I feel justified in my frustrations. I keep thinking back to when my husband was volunteering almost full time and working, he kept telling me as soon as the election was over, things would go full throttle towards him getting a job. He also though Hilary would win. I feel like there’s an alternate reality where she did and maybe I’m really happy right now. All I know is ever since the election, things have taken an especially dark turn, especially for us. The holidays were shitty, both of them, in my opinion, for different reasons. And suddenly, it was Christmas and my husband was ditching me at his parents’ house to go spend time with his friends from grade school who were back in town for the holidays as well, and he still had done nothing by the way of securing a job. He had a seasonal gig that ended about the second week in December (I’m sure I’m repeating myself if you’ve read my other rantings). Then he just kind of rode this unemployment lull until after his birthday which is in the first week of January. Then and only then, 2 months behind schedule, did he start doing anything to try and find a job. And let me say, since then, it has almost been comical in a dark way how many leads and promises and failed follow thrus there have been. He’s incredibly discouraged, I know it. But sometimes I’m just not strong enough to deal with the reality that I’ve been the ONLY one providing $ for us since December and his shit ass mood. Like one night somewhat recently he was saying good night to me, which a lot of the time on weekdays is the only quality time we have with one another, he chose THEN to start complaining that I used to make him feel guilty about going to Jiu Jitsu or another class at a dojo he used to have a membership for. It’s true, it kind of sucks when your spouse is gone for 3 of the 5 hours you have between getting home from work and going to bed. But I also never asked him to stay home, and I never REALLY guilted him, but yeah sure I didn’t force myself to act happy/fake/lie about my real feelings. I feel like that’s what I’m being punished for, MONTHS later, here. And the fact that he chose then to complain at me about it, he literally was like “but then you’d bitch at me,” which he rarely says stuff like that. And I’m like….he thinks THAT was being bitched at? Has he seriously never actually remembered me bitching at him? I feel like it’s a shitty thing to say to someone, because it’s something my dad would say. I was ALWAYS accused of bitching at him.  Then, on an even more recent night, I got a lot of attitude and self-directed sadness from him when he was saying goodnight, because he wanted to go to a music festival that he’d gone to years past with again friends from his childhood, but the idea that he’d have that much spare money any time soon (I’d say he’d need $600-900 for the three day pass and a hotel room split three ways I think) is laughable. He was sure to convey how sad it made him that he couldn’t go, he was downright angry when he was saying goodnight. We honestly don’t see each other that much. Mostly because he’s usually asleep through a good portion of the time we COULD spend together. The whole need to nap everyday thing he has going is something about him I sincerely hate and wish I could change. I know you’re not supposed to want to change your partner, or whatever, but it drives me crazy that he ALWAYS has to nap. My dad was that same way. My dad acted like his getting a nap in was a near medical necessity. My husband doesn’t do that, he just ALWAYS passes out. Like I know, for certain, when he’s going to pass out on me. Like if we go out to eat, morning, noon or night, when we get home there’s an 85% chance he’s out within 15 minutes. The amount of time he’ll be asleep can range anywhere from 1-6 hours. Whenever we eat holiday meals, which are obviously always at HIS parents house, he’s oblivious to life in a food coma guaranteed afterwards. He spent Friday afternoon thru Saturday morning with his grandfather and dad in another city, about 4 hours away from here. I didn’t mind that trip because his grandfather is a very old man, and he shouldn’t just bypass an opportunity to spend time with him. But I KNEW as soon as he got home, he’d DOWN for a few hours.

True, in an effort of fairness, he did wake me up from a nap when he got home, encouraging me to come with him to a bookstore having a half off closing sale I’d wanted to peruse. We did that, and it was fun. We got an amazing number of books for $23. But then, not long after we’d been home, we really started getting into over you guessed it, his getting a job and the money situation in general. I’m just so sick of crying over it to myself. Like I even told my mom I felt like I was about to have a hysterical breakdown over it. I’ve started talking to her more because it’s easier to be open via email, if you’re me I guess. It’s nice to at least have someone tell you they’re on your side. I don’t think anyone else ever has.

Have I ever told you about the telltale sign I’ve been crying? I don’t know how much it happens to other people, because this isn’t something I would ever bring up in person with anyone, but one way to know if I’ve been crying, my lower eyelids swell, quite a bit. The upper ones too, but that’s a lot less noticeable because of my eyelashes. If I do a horrendous amount of crying (and believe me, in my life I certainly have), it’ll stay through the night and into the next day even.

They’re in the pictures of me at my in-laws just SURROUNDED by relatives the day after my wedding. No one noticed. No one registered how artificial my happiness was. I managed to keep it together until almost the last necessary minute. I’d made it all the way home, until right before the girl who’d watched our cats for us while we were gone getting married was dropping off our keys. Then suddenly I couldn’t take it any more and I freaked out on  him. He’d had to run down and get the key from the girl, she was dropping it off on her way to a softball game so she was in a hurry. I texted I was in the bathroom but really I’d just been sobbing too much already. Which, if I cry on already swollen lids, it makes them hurt a lot. Then they’re like, sore, the next day. This has happened to me a lot so I know what I’m talking about. Like I really want to know what I do to make such shitty things happen to me. Like am I really such an awful person? You know, sometimes it seems like most people around me would agree. Actually I think most people just think I’m weird. I’m outspoken about strange things to the others in my life, the people who will never know the real me, because they don’t want the real me at work, or church if I ever find one I like down here. It’s fine, it’s just tiring after awhile. Especially for me, it’s tiring for me to be around people of any persuasion. I genuinely value alone time, I guess because I get so much of it.

Lately though, all I do with my spare time is nap. I do that when I don’t want to deal with my life. It makes me tired. I think the same thing happens to my husband, and he never thinks to fight the urge. He’s always asking why he’s so tired. And yes, he’s been checked out medically, I’m not  being some heartless bitch to a sick guy. Like he fell asleep shortly after we got into a huge argument, screaming match, whatever you want to call it. It’s been hours now. I went to a nearby gas station and bought ice and V8 so I could make bloody mary’s. I’ve had one but probably won’t go beyond that. I need to make food still because I’m vowing to not go out to eat. Because when I did my taxes I straight up couldn’t believe the amount of money we actually made, together, last year. It’s way more than what we should need to live on, but somehow like we fucking can’t? I don’t get it. But one of our huge extravagances is going out to eat, which adds up quite a bit no matter where you go, so I guess I should try and embrace my depressing poor person’s life in every way now.

I should go because there are things I need to do before I go to bed for the night, which I have a feeling will be somewhat soon. You can’t really change your sleep schedule in two nights so I don’t really try.

 

~Cass

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