I didn’t realize WordPress saves drafts. I don’t even remember where the post from just before this one came from. I didn’t want to read it because I get distracted by myself.
Remember how I was saying how terribly depressed and alone I felt? Well, things have only gotten worse.
If you can fucking imagine, my husband is still unemployed. Today he found it wise to text me at work telling me he didn’t get a position we’d both been really hoping for. Like I’m just as angry and disappointed as if it’d been my own candidacy. I mean, you TRY not to get your hopes up, but of course you do. I just started thinking about how if he actually started working full time at a job that wasn’t either a joke or for drop-outs and illegal immigrants (no shade to either, but their circumstances make them swim a shallow career pool) then we would have money to buy groceries. Like I wouldn’t have to keep PERFECT track of every cent I put in the cart so I knew when to stop. We could eat something other than the world’s most basic meals. I could pay my bills when they came in the mail, not call in the minimum payment the day before they’re due. MAYBE when we move from our current house, we wouldn’t have to move to a shittier neighborhood where I won’t feel safe and won’t be able to ride my bike. That’s certainly the reality now.
I just feel like I DON’T have a partner, yet here I always am, financially, emotionally, mentally supporting a partner. Like I’m supposed to have been the breadwinner for the ENTIRETY of our relationship to sometimes being the sole earner, AND still always be positive and cheerful and supportive and encouraging. Even when he takes 6 years to get his 4 year degree, the vast majority of those six years spent unemployed because he would’ve just failed out of all of his classes if he’d had to work at the same time. He tried and that’s what started happening. And it was always of CRITICAL importance to his parents that he graduate from college. They’re definitely the sort of people who are hyper-ignorant to the irreparable damage they’re always causing. It definitely MEANS something to his dad in a big way that all of “his” kids (there’s 4 total, three of which are biologically related to him, two through the first wife then my husband) had graduated from college and had had Lutheran weddings. I know this because he told me this exact thing once. It’s some sort of accomplishment for him to be able to think that. I guess I can see it, but I feel like he doesn’t realize the damage he caused pushing for those two things, at least the college one.
It’s just too much to deal with, the financial challenges, the animosity between my husband and myself…largely due to the financial constraints, the utter lack of friends, the utter lack of ANY relative of my own who loves and supports me in my life. I mean I guess I shouldn’t complain because I can still email my mom, which is way better than not being able to communicate at all. It makes me really sad we can’t talk on the phone. Sometimes she mentions how she thought of something to say to me and she wanted to call, but (as she puts it) “old big ears will be sitting right there.” He won’t even let her have the dignity of any privacy, ESPECIALLY when it comes to the phone. If he found out we communicated as much as we did he’d lose his goddamn mind. I guess he thinks I OWE him some sort of explanation. When really I don’t owe him shit, much less an explanation. He wouldn’t believe me anyway. He’d just refute every word that comes out of my mouth like he always does. Sometimes to get what I wanted I’d TELL him he wasn’t going to let me do something why should I bother asking? THAT was the real way to get my way. Because you see, he HAS to disagree with you, because you are you and not him and therefore WRONG. I just want to stab things every time I think about him. So, all of that, plus the being broke as fuck all the fucking time, and the shitty way things have been between my husband and I for quite awhile now, and the no friends and nothing to look forward to…it’s a lot
Plus our washer’s broke so I have to wash everything at a laundromat and boy that is some lowest common denominator breeding ground. But like I said I don’t have money for groceries so I definitely don’t have washer repair money. Lately I’ve been making roughly $500 a week. I had to adjust my exemptions. Know why? Because I owe $1742 in taxes for last year. A BIG contributor to that high of a number was that at the three jobs he had, apparently every W4 was filled out incorrectly. When asked he became kind of agitated and said he didn’t know about that shit. I don’t remember if he or I filled them out, I don’t remember them for his jobs. But I kind of willingly limit my long term memory…but there’s some stuff I don’t really feel like remembering so you kind of have to take what you can get.
So I’m in extra debt, more than my normal crushing student loans, and there will be moving expenses soon. And okay I make roughly $2000 a month, for two people to live on that seems like enough but never is.
And everything is shitty and I feel really sad and angry and alone. So, I do what you know my super healthy self is best at and am isolating myself further. Girls in my department wanted to get pizza as a group so I lied and told them I had to run an errand during lunch. I don’t. I texted the girl I normally eat lunch with on Fridays and said I wouldn’t be able to do it tomorrow (no details given, none requested). This friend knew about the interview (she’d worked for this place before and had been called for advice) so she asked so that’s always fun. Like I CANNOT believe that is back to square one again. Then, of course to top it off, I’ve been really weird towards my husband since i got home from work. But sometimes I feel like the LAST thing he needs is to be coddled. Like I have nothing positive to say so I’m not saying anything. I was informed that I’m acting like he did something wrong. I suggested that he not spend time near me then, if the way I was acting is so offensive.
So, yeah, I’ve managed to recreate the horrible emotional environment of my childhood (complete with me totally isolated) through an expression of my genuine feelings…AGAIN.
It would be funny if it weren’t so, so sad.
That should be a chapter title or something.
Sorry I’m so high I kind of cannot control the mellow from seeping out. It’s not like I’m still not feeling all the horrid emotions, but I don’t know, it’s like they’re farther away now. Like it’s probably hack or textbook or something to say but for a VERY long time, like since I started smoking, being high has just always made me much more capable of dealing with the bad things in my life.
Note I didn’t say my problems. If you’re identifying your problems, you must know of fixes. Some fixes have too severe of consequences though. I DO get that.
But, SOMETIMES, there’s bad shit going on in your life that you ARE NOT at fault for.
And sure, you can be a dick and start giving me shit about not having the for-withal to withstand the bad shit life is going to throw at you from time to time, I will only say this once:
I used about 10 person’s worth of that for-withal already. I don’t have it in me anymore to get through life sober.
I mean, PERHAPS if I weren’t destitute (and don’t blame the pot, I spend $200 a month on pot. I used to spend WAY more on beer) that wouldn’t be true. Because I mean i definitely am at the point where my life has 0 luxuries. I mean that’s not THAT tragic, I get it, I have a roof over my head, for at least the next month, I can afford to eat and get the bills paid. I’m healthy and walking and have my sight. I get that there are things to be thankful for….and be that as it may….it doesn’t change when there are also things that are bad and shouldn’t happen. Or at least should fucking end soon.
I’m so confused about life most of the time.
Last weekend, I had the sudden urge to wear something of my Grandma’s so I got her wedding ring from my jewelry box. Now that I’m fatter (thanks desk job and love of chips and ice cream) it fits my right middle finger well. I didn’t wear it at my other jobs, because the risk of losing or damaging it in some way was quite high at those jobs. I wore my wedding ring there, of course, but losing my Grandma’s ring would be utterly devastating. Wearing it now, it’s nice, because it reminds me of her, naturally. I just didn’t realize how much that would happen. It’s nice. Not much else is. But I should feed myself then go to bed, as tomorrow will include getting up at 4:30am.