Half finished thoughts

This morning more than anything I was distracted by the concept that the older I get the more obvious my inability to make friends is.

I thought of this bc my only female friend from grad school messaged me to set up dinner plans for a week from today. These things do not happen often in my life. This girl is definitely so high on the awkward scale she might have a mild version of autism. I’m not trying to be mean, I don’t mind the incredibly weird silences and pauses. I can’t stand other women if I think they’re a waste of intelligence (i.e. They bought into the girls shouldn’t be smart dynamic) or if they’re a bitch to me. And grad school female friend is certainly neither of those. She’s from the WASPY part of the east coast so I was shocked to find I never feel like I’m being condescended at with her. 

It made me realize how deficient I am at drawing friends in. Beyond school chums (there aren’t many) and work buddies there’s my husband. Which, I am infinitely grateful that I have him in my life, I feel like things would feel pointless without him. This isn’t to say everyone needs to find the same fulfillment in a romantic relationship but that’s how it happened for me. I spent my whole life lonely, kind of waiting for the person to shove all these unprocessed feelings at. I am REALLY lucky I am attractive enough to draw in men. Could you imagine if someone was as fucked as me but also wasn’t pretty? Like OMG there’d be no hope of ever connecting with anyone. My husband wanted to be with me (at first) bc I was much better looking than anyone he’d ever dated before that. Great I needed someone who seemed like the EXACT opposite of my dad. 
Ugh end of lunch break, I literally didn’t even mean to fulfill my blog title’s destiny, but here we are. And here I go.

~cass

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