This beautiful mess, or as I like to call myself

Today, mark it down, is another day of my existence that is both a rare day off from work – if you think about it, I’ve been working full time (5/7 days per week at 8-10 hours/day) since 18, that’s not counting the two years before that when I was in high school so working less than all that – and a rare day off from work being ruined by family getting togethering.

I’m not into it. And, for some reason…I didn’t think to inquire until this morning who all was going to be there….BOTH sister in laws, the one (the high achieving but kind of judgmental one) will have her sarcastic husband and children in tow, none of her family members like me. I feel like the kids have so many relatives who SHOWER them with gifts, that my husband and I (always financially unable to go so far as getting already the very spoiled niece and nephew Christmas or birthday gifts) with our no gifts…they just don’t want to put the effort in. Plus like this sister in law is known for being sarcastic and judgmental and kind of superior-acting…soooo WHO knows what she says about us in front of her kids. I feel like SO many people forget who they’re talking to sometimes when they’re talking to their kids. But maybe that’s just my memories talking.
Then the other sister in law, the one who’s, for lack of a better phrase, a hot mess. She’s actually showing to a family event, and she’s bringing her boyfriend. I’ve never met him. It wasn’t up there on my list of life priorities. BUT, my mother in law went on a museum outing one day with sister in law and boyfriend, and she did that thing she ALWAYS does and made the boyfriend stand next to a piece and took his picture. She’s always doing this. They’re always taking pictures in the most obtrusive, unappealing manner possible. It doesn’t matter that you’re making our meal in this tiny restaurant uncomfortable, ALL that matters is getting that picture! Fuck the actual moment you were trying to capture! It’s counter intuitive if you think about it. So, there was a picture of new boyfriend in an art museum, and he had a REALLY irritated, out of patience look on his face in the picture my mother in law undoubtedly dictated into happening. I was like, HA! THIS guy gets it! So who knows. Plus like, when you work retail for over a decade, and you add on top of that the years i spent emotionally dodging BOTH of my parents….I’m pretty good at acting like I’m enjoying myself when I’m not. I know this blog makes me seem pretty terrible, but I feel like I was great to so many people who didn’t deserve it over the years….speaking of that exact situation….so I guess it’s hard to tell how much I hate my life when I’m at a family event.

Which, of course, when I’m at any sort of family event, it’s not MY family. I do find it kind of odd, that I am never, ever around anyone who’s actually related to me. After a few years (it’s been two years, by the way, my mom and Timehop confirmed it)  you start feeling like…idk I guess an exile or an immigrant who knows they’ll never visit home (like they can’t because their shit’s expired – read We Need New Names by NoViolet Bulawayo if you wish to understand this sensation put forth by an author with…idk talent I guess). I’m not trying to say I know exactly what motherless people feel like, I don’t, I know she’s at least alive and functioning (I won’t say alive and well exactly) and I do get to communicate with her. But, you don’t think I think about it sometimes…about how if say she did pass away at a younger age (she’s 59, 30 years older than me) you don’t think these two years of zero contact won’t haunt me? But not in the way a mistake would haunt me, but in a “why did it end up like this?” sort of attitude.

Which I guess that’s kind of how a loser would think – like your life doesn’t “end up” any certain way, MOST of your shit is the result of conscious decisions.

I get not everything is. Before you start freaking out. It wasn’t my fault or doing that I was born into a family with two arguably mentally ill parents. My brother’s existence ensured I never bore the brunt of anything (except my mom’s mental anguish, which she was always heaping on me any chance she had, which was a lot), and my Grandma helped a lot of my life be easier/more normal/more enjoyable. BUT I was set at a huge disadvantage in a way that wouldn’t really be obvious to me until I was in my late twenties. And really that only came about because I was with my husband for so long by that point. If I’d continued to waste my time and emotions on useless fuckboys (like I love to do, I know) I have NO clue how I would be, or how aware of my shortcomings I would be. Some people (like my terrible father) never get the chance to right their wrongs, so to speak. I mean, it does take some measure of humility to realize that you’re obsessed with being fucked up because there’s SO much you can’t bear to think about. And it doesn’t matter what is or isn’t your fault, at the end of the day. Because random (terrible) shit is going to happen, so just focus as much as you can on what you CAN control. Which, I learned by like 28, includes your ability to express emotions.

So I got up at 8:30 after going to bed at 3am (by going to bed I mean straight up almost passing out on the couch after sharing a blunt with my husband. It is so weird getting nicotine in me now, I used to be such a heavy smoker…thanks Chantix). I needed to get the things I usually do Sunday evening done. The idea of leaving them until after we get back fills me with anxiety. Why put off something annoying when you can do the annoying thing and therefore not be annoyed by it? Why are you prolonging this feeling of being annoyed by this thing you must do? You’ve lost me. Procrastinating is NOT a thing for ol’ Cassie-  I’m Type A in certain ways, my emails are up to date and filed correctly, none of this “1,390 unread emails” ish like my husband. So now that my Monday work outfit is hanging on the designated hook, and my lunch is packed, and the trash and recycling are on the curb, I realized I had time to bitch about my ruined day off.

I guess I wouldn’t have done much of note anyway, but when you get so few days off…it’s obnoxious to be like oh no I definitely want to spend 4 hours in a car as the bread of a family time sandwich. With the two least alike sister in laws a bitch like me could get. I guess I should feel grateful they’re both a decade or so older, it makes it easier somehow. At the same time, my brother is obviously never going to marry, so my only shot at a cool friend-type sister in law was through marrying…and that did NOT work out for me. It’s not their fault, obviously. And I think landing a boyfriend then fiance then husband whose parents bankrolled your super bougey wedding and paid all/most of your rent for…5+ years….

 

Yeah I should just shut the fuck up.

I’m not saying I can be bought. but there’s a certain level of generosity that I’m going to match with subservient politeness, it’s very much in my nature. It’s one of the reasons I’m a good employee.

 

But I guess I just wanted to talk about it…and…as if I haven’t mentioned my lack of friends by this point. I sometimes find it hard to fill one hour long lunch break with conversation with work friend. She has this really odd pattern with guys, where she starts dating a guy she isn’t that into….she sees him a few times a week but they mostly just sleep together (both meanings). She literally said she doesn’t know that much about him last Friday, yet they’ve been hanging out 3+ times per week (usually just getting meals then banging, reminds me of R and I, except I had to pay for everything) and banging and stuff. I’m not judging that but I’m kind of like ~what~ towards her whole “I just get attached to them after spending a ton of time with them and I don’t even realize it.” I was like…in my head…okay so doesn’t that equate to “I don’t really like him, I’m just going to get used to the comfortability of having a man around.” Which I mean there are benefits. Someone to go out to eat with (excuse for more excessive eating and drinking, doesn’t encourage the far healthier habit of cooking for yourself, believe me i know) and an automatic date to things you wouldn’t want to do alone, like movies or concerts or whatever, also a source of sex, which if he’s good at it, could be worth it in and of itself. BUT at the same time…I don’t know I don’t feel like she wants to be with anyone besides her first boyfriend. I could be wrong but I feel like she’s still definitely obsessed with him. I do not understand her issue at this point. But, I was lucky to find my husband at a young age, and she definitely has her issues, but they’re also so different from mine.

If I had more time, I’d get into the WEIRD sort of…hmmm I’ve never had to articulate it…it’s like you can tell there’s something emotionally brittle about her…and then you hear the story about how her dad bailed on her, her sister, and their mom and moved across the country and married a younger woman and had another daughter with her, then he passed away I think 5-10 years ago due to a heart problem. All the while her mom still feels attached to her husband and like she could never be with another man because she’s still somehow keeping to those marriage vows. I’m not trying to insult her decisions, but that reminds me of my mom…like lady, you’re choosing to be unhappy. You can do that I guess, but just acknowledge that’s what you’re doing. THEN, her few years older sister, she marries a guy she went to high school with, they didn’t date then. He’s a suspiciously hot Mexican guy, they have two children, then he comes out as gay and divorces the sister. Work friend gets recalled from her newly founded like in another state about halfway across the country to help recently divorced sister with her two very young kids. A few years after that her sister is engaged to a guy and pregnant with his kid, but he ended up trying to use her to get a green card, and he had MANY other children with many other women whom he didn’t financially support, so the idea that he would help with this one was absurd. Now, in real time, the sister is pregnant again with a different man’s baby. BUT, if things work out with her and baby daddy #3, it’ll be all good. The first two kids will obviously be from her first marriage, and everyone will assume the second two are her second husband’s. If they marry. It’s so easy to work out the lives of other’s in your mind. Instead of your own. What irritates me is how much my work friend is used as a free babysitter for her sister’s mess of children. I mean I guess it’s awesome she gets to be a part of their lives, but I also kind of really feel like she resents it deep down and she wants to have a life of her own with her own kids.

But I guess that’s not my issue. But Idk, all that bullshit I always go on about how the damaged love the damaged, it’s true, and we also can so easily recognize one another – no? So, I tend to stay interested. Plus she’s one of the few people who knows about the situation with my family. The twins know, and my husband’s at least close family members, and work friend. That would be it besides the members of my family. And I guess whomever may read this on WordPress.

 

Speaking of – what are the exact legal terms for blogging? Being an English student for so long, it made me feel pretty aggressive about copyrighting and such, so…I guess I should find a FAQ around here.

With that I am off to waste a beautiful Sunday I could have spent getting high and writing or playing Pokemon X. But instead i get to be scrutinized by people I have varying degrees of dislike towards.

Hazaa.

But I also need to look like in the million pictures sure to come…so…time’s a wasting.

 

~Cassie

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