Birthday cards/ Dear Ma #1

This is definitely just me bitching:

Since the two summers have passed since I finally (completely) broke all ties with my dad (and by association my mom too) I’ve received a few gifts here and there from my mother. This past birthday, she didn’t even send a card. She went so far as to comment in an email “oh I didn’t have time to get over to the card store this weekend. I’ll never win mother of the year!” Which, she would always say that when we were kids. True, the last weekend before my birthday was Easter, but really?????? That’s what she says? 


That doesn’t sound AT ALL similar to my dad’s response when my mom’s February birthday went by completely uncelebrated (if you didn’t read that one- he told her he “forgot” it was her birthday, utter bullshit they’ve been married 35 years) 

And then it’s like….wow….good to see you’re STILL not treating me like I’m your child.

I’m not saying I want gifts, I’m quite talented at going without or providing for myself. I’m not saying I want to act like a child, but why, WHY, don’t I EVER get to be the child in our parent child relationship? Why does she ALWAYS use me as her emotional dumping ground? It couldn’t be LESS my fault that my piece of shit father was in my life as a child, yet I got to suffer like it somehow was my fault. Also I never mention this bc it’s so messed up but when I still lived at home there was just this deeeeeep resentment rolling off my mom because my dad treated me the least shitty out of the three of us. Like wow, mom, fucking stellar life decisions, bitch at your teenage daughter that she “doesn’t have it that bad” bc your husband is MORE abusive towards you.

So, in conclusion, thanks mom. Thanks for th birthday card. Thanks for protecting me from that fucking monster. Oh wait you were too busy lamenting to me about your ruined adulthood, it’s like it made you too dense to see my childhood was actively being ruined.

That’s what’s so hard. She seems SO stupid. I know it’s a coping mechanism, I know she has to dissociate as much as she can, but OMFG do you ever think being passive and starting blankly at the tv, swaddled down with your depression and self pity MIGHT NOT BE THE ANSWER?

When I am angry, I am not sad, and those were the only two states I knew for most of my young life 

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