Well, today was going well enough, but I became irritated over something my husband did, he asked me why I was being so curt with him, then he pulled one of his favorite moves and repeatedly asked me what was wrong, got pissed when I told him I didn’t want to have a long drawn out pointless discussion, then he stormed off. Our house is only so big so he’s asleep in the bedroom. Of course. Later on, when we DO have that godawful discussion I didn’t want to have (because I never really win) it’ll come up that he stormed off (I’ll say it) and he’ll say he just “had to get away from it.” He always plays his storming off as some sort of mature stab at deescalation. I should have just not let the thing irritate me, then we’d still be watching Better Call Saul together and smoking weed.
But instead I’m a little drunk writing another incoherent blog. Because I was like, all right, your husband’s being a childish dick, so what would you do if you were home alone? The answer was of course drink bloody marys and write.
What did he do that irritated me? Well, he has OCD you see, and I’ve been aware of it since the very beginning, and sometimes, it just gets grating, when someone uses the same patterns they pick up being compulsive and they apply them to other aspects of their lives.
For example – my husband has an IRRATIONAL hatred of spoilers. I know, no one enjoys a spoiler, it’s right there in the name, but he nearly has a conversion reaction when you even come CLOSE in conversation to giving away something he hasn’t read or seen. Well he HAS seen Breaking Bad, the show Better Call Saul stems from, and I was mentioning something about something that happened in Breaking Bad THAT HE HAS ALREADY SEEN, and he starts giving me his don’t-ruin-it-for-me anxiety FULL THROTTLE. And like…why is it that I must do ALL that I already do, and somehow still be 1000% on that be perfect and cheerful and supportive even when everything your husband does grates on your nerves. But no, he can be a slave to his compulsions AND have all these obnoxious complexes. Like, it’s not an OCD thing, his hatred of spoilers. It’s a my-mom-does-that thing. And it REALLY is the worst. His mom will INSIST I read a book she’s read recently (we do NOT have the same taste in literature. I’m not a ‘best sellers at Target’ sort of reader *scoff*) then she’ll GIVE AWAY all of the plot twists from the first half of the book in her “brief description.” It’s SO annoying! She’s the same way with TV shows and movies. Like oh great, I’m glad I don’t have to see that anymore now.
So, I see where it comes from, because I can’t stand it either, but I WASN’T even telling him a spoiler. The point of making a goddamn prequel is in part because the viewer is aware of the “future” history the whole time. IT MAKES IT MORE INTERESTING. AHghghghghghg!
I’m probably wrong and I just should’ve stuffed my anger deep inside me like I always do for the sake of peace.
It’s actually been QUITE some time since we’ve gotten into one of these fights, where he’s off pouting in our bedroom and I’m out in the living room on my laptop.
Judge all you want, I don’t recall ever telling you I was some picture of health, physically, mentally or emotionally. I mean I’m physically healthy I’m just WAY out of shape (goddamn you, desk job and alcohol *makes second Blood Mary*)
But at the same time, he followed a pattern of behavior he KNOWS makes me clam up. It’s just when someone is like my husband, and thinks people, and he specifically, are innately good, they like CAN’T seem to ever admit that they did something to be shitty. But we ALL want to be shitty people, so it just comes out in weird, passive ways. With my husband, he pulls this shit. With his sister…okay I don’t get what’s going on with her. I mean I do, but she did something that makes me want to backhand her. She sent my brother a birthday card (I THINK I mentioned his birthday). But she sent it in an envelope to my mom. My dad, who is SO chronically unemployed, is home to get the mail in every day, he saw the envelope addressed to my mother in an unfamiliar handscript with an unfamiliar return address and so he NATURALLY had to be looking over her shoulder when she opened it. He probably thought it was me writing to her. Just the other day in an email my mom stated that my dad said something along the lines of “You could be texting or emailing [Cassie] at work and there’s no way I’d know about it.”
1) He’s still a cop at heart, in a bad way. This is what they call “fishing.”
2) Isn’t is hilarious to watch a pathetic abuser/loser freak out when he realizes there’s ONE tiny thing he can’t totally control and if control is the name of the game, it’s some all or nothing shit.
I mean, I’ll hand it to him, he IS right. But on the other hand…do you see what we’re dealing with here?
Okay I’m going to copy and paste an email from mom in here. I will alter nothing except deleting whole, boring sentences and changing out first names for my descriptor pronouns.
“Finally getting to email, it is kind of busy today. I didn’t give the card to [my brother] or even mention it yet. W [that’s what she and I call my dad] knows about it as he was right there when I opened the envelope since he wanted to know who lived at that address. He has to censor all the mail. When I got a letter from the friend who was in jail and it is stamped in red on the front that the mail is from a Saginaw Co jail inmate, he HAD to not only open it but READ it also and then told me about it while I was at work. He said that he had to see what guy was writing me from and jail and why. (Never did he think that it was a female.) I kind of don’t want to tell [my brother] about the card. From what I see, he still feels so bad about [my sister in law he dated]. Maybe W has already told him that he got a card, not sure. Why am I in the middle of this? Where in the world does [sister in law] think that [brother] would be living? He should be out on his own but he isn’t. Maybe [s-i-l] wouldn’t be either without her Mom’s help thru the years OR maybe [mother-in-law] would like [sister-in-law] to move back home.
I’m not looking forward to knee surgery. I know I need to get it but our home is so unstable from day to day, you never know when there will be a blow-up or some big issue going on. Not a good environment for recovering. Plus W is probably the laziest person I know. It is so easy for him to have others do things and say that it is just a 10 minute job and what’s the big deal BUT he will not do anything himself. NOTHING!!
[1st sentence explains she’ll be gone most of the day Saturday with friends to a scrapbooking event]. But I can only imagine what it is going to be like when I get home or on Sunday, I need to drive so I will have the car for 10/12 hours. [Father and brother] will be home without a car. [brother]’s car needs a new battery and he doesn’t have the money for it. It will start and run but it needs to be jumped every time you get in it. I did really think about an uber driver but that would cost too much to [christmastown]. If it was in [halloweentown] that would be better [few sentences about a friend who was supposed to go but can’t due to a gravely ill relative] Why all this drama about something that should be enjoyable? I KNOW that another thing that is eating away at W is that I’ll be gone from home with the car and he won’t have total control, what will he do? He will make life miserable but that’s every day.
I plan on going to the grocery store tonight and doing the laundry on Sunday so the weekend will go by so fast. They all do, don’t they? I hope that you have a good weekend and have some time to relax, time for yourself. Be safe in whatever you do. Love you.”
That is the honest to God exact email I got from my mom today. “He will make life miserable but that’s every day.”
Like really? Who lives with that?
It’s that part of the reason I so wasn’t into my husband acting like i was ruining a HUGE surprise by telling him about a TV show he’d already watched. But he’d forgotten a bunch of it, I guess, so I was ruining it like he hasn’t seen it, which is obnoxious. But the likelihood that he will EVER sit down and watch the six seasons of Breaking Bad all over again is INSANE. I more or less told him that and he’s like don’t tell me what I will or won’t do, and it’s like we’ve been living together for nearly eight years, I KNOW YOU PRETTY WELL. What drastic lifestyle change is he about to undertake to become the kind of person who watches whole series of shows over and over? I feel like he knows he really won’t take the time, especially since he doesn’t like sitting around watching TV at all really, but you know since he kind of needs to be hurt and indignant about something I’ve done, this is just a great excuse.
So whatever. I’m nearly drunk enough to fall asleep, so I can wake up early and get grocery getting out of the way before the crowds begin to form. I know it’s a depressing sentence. Then, my mother in law is spending the night Saturday night there’s an event on Sunday that she wants to go to and she’d rather stay overnight here than drive here and back home in one day. SO I think I might just ask her why her daughter sent a card to my brother in an envelope to my mom with a note that said “Can you give this to him? I’m not sure where he’d be living.” He has NOWHERE else to go, my sister in law is WELL aware of that fact. SO this is kind of weird and irritating. Like why would she send him a card at all? Did she really in some way think it would help or do good? Or is she just latently either trying to fuck with him or she enjoys the attention of knowing he’s still pretty much in love with her. I mean he probably always will be. Fucked up people sometimes like don’t/can’t get over stuff. You can argue otherwise but have you met any of us?
I hate it when I think it’s going to be a normal or happy Friday, but then some ass-tastic drama happens and you’re like…WTF is my life even. Like my mom was saying, she needs to have knee replacement surgery, and she’s not even like worried about the surgery or the pain or recovery or PT or any of that, she’s afraid of being trapped and incapactiated and vulnerable and healing in the environment of my parents’ home. I know exactly what she means. I learned at SUCH a young age to hide my weaknesses, like a prey animal, to show no faltering in front of others because they WILL pounce on it and use it against you. That is my family, and the general vibe of the household, to a T. So rarely was it even neutral. It’s too much. I have a bad reaction to unnecessary drama production. Can you fucking wonder why?
Well, I am now on my third Bloody Mary, so I might fuck with some of the settings on this WordPress. Stay classy, my friends.