Oh good, you figured out how to cause more drama

Okay, so guess what I’m still obsessing about? But there are more details, as I had the chance to ask my mother in law WTF her daughter was thinking, sending my brother, who is also her ex, a birthday card. After she SO succinctly cut all communication. GUESS what my mother in laws reasons were?
1) “Your brother is ‘in the family'” OH OKAY, because this bitch sends birthday cards to ANY members of her family??? She sometimes sends one to my husband who’s her actual brother. This year, she actually did send me one but that was after a few years of my getting her something for her birthday and her not reciprocating. SO somehow the two of them rationalized it out that it would seem all right because he’s “in the family.” I relayed this information to best friend, she seems to mirror my sentiments.
2) Sister in law thinks she can stay friends with all of her exes because she “thinks like a little girl” because she was molested as a young girl and that froze her mental and emotional state. Which, okay, sure, but she is NOT thinking like a ‘little girl’ she’s thinking and acting like a cunty 14 year old. I’m not saying she wasn’t molested, everyone knows she was, the cousin (on her mom’s side, I’ve never met the dude but I guess he was at a wedding for that side of the family that I was at many years ago) who did it admitted it via letter and everything. Dude’s married with kids so….I hope whatever made him molest his cousin and sister somehow didn’t transfer to his own kids. But I don’t think that’s how that works. But my sister in law, I think, is doing tiny, subtle things to make sure that my brother is still pining over her/to be a bitch to him because he ruined their relationship with his crazy headgames
That’s one thing I will never, ever fault a person for, I cannot imagine how unbearable my brother is to date. I could barely stand being around him for the occasional family get together. That’s not the issue, the issue is A TON of people told my sister in law not to pursue things with my brother, but she does what she wants and lets her mom deal with the consequences (see, 14 year old).

So, that’s where that drama is at. The drama with my husband and I never resolved (like always), I left to get groceries before he’d gotten up on Saturday and by the time I got back he was gone for work. Then so shortly after he got home from work his mom was here. As far as her visits go, it was a pleasant one. She didn’t once say anything that made me want to stab a fork into my kneecap as an escape from the mental torture of not saying something when there are SO MANY THINGS TO SAY. Usually that’s how it is when I’m around his family. Plus they’re masters of having the least engrossing conversations imaginable.
Example?
One time, at a dinner I just HAD to be there for, my sister in law and her stepdad (My father in law) got into a fifteen minute discussion about how to spread ice-melting salt in the winter. She was stating her new chic downtown apartment has a flight of cement steps they’re responsible for, and she at 42 years old had never had to spread salt on ice before. My father in law uses a fertilizer spreader (BUT OF COURSE, she didn’t know what that was either! Oh my god it’s SO charming how brain dead she fucking is!) and he really loves going into those details, so it was a full on all out discussion ON HOW TO DO SOMETHING I KNEW HOW TO DO WHEN I WAS 7. Ahghghghghghg. It just feels like common sense has NO PLACE in this household when the sister in law is around. It makes me feel sorry for my mother in law. She must wonder what it’s like to have a daughter who does something other than perpetually unload her problems on her. I don’t blame my mother in law for heavily discouraging the relationship between her daughter and my brother, because let’s get real, he was just another freeloading drug addict loser, and BOY is that her fucking type. The last one drained her money and her soul and her resources for about 7 years until suicide attempt #3 was successful. Or the first two times were fake and the last one was real? It happened the DAY before my husband was standing up as a groomsman in his best friend’s wedding. The vibe that night was BAD. That marriage lasted less than 2 years too, so that whole weekend is just some ragingly terrible memory.

 

Well you know I for once feel inspired to work on my actual work, not this wordpress that’s like…..okay I don’t mean to get dramatic but I’ve noticed in the past few months I’ve become strangely  capable at expressing my feelings with words, and pinpointing their origin. So this thing actually has a frightening value for me, as it is the first and only diary I’ve ever kept up that I haven’t destroyed. I had a live journal that was good but like…it was so sad, I just couldn’t go back on there. I wrote a lot of it when i was at my very worst as an adult, the ages of 18-21 more or less. I was living on my own and working at a pet store full time while still going to college full time. I had JUST escaped  from the emotional war zone that was/is my parents’ house. I was nowhere near healing, or even beginning the process, and I had almost 0 capabilities when it came to connecting with others and maintaining that bond in a healthy way. I mean, from what I’ve told you, you can imagine that I didn’t really see a lot of that in my life. And also, of course, 18 year old me didn’t KNOW that. Like i was STILL trying to pretend things were fine/normal/good/sure because…I don’t know, I guess it’s not exactly natural, the things I’ve done. Everyone is programmed to pine after romantic love like it’s the ultimate goal in life followed closely by the penultimately important FAMILY- parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, not to mention their own kids, AGH all anyone does is talk about their stupid families. Bah. But, for me, the finding my husband is what helped me finally reject my family. And even then, it took about five years longer than that. I know I was only 21, but if you count my damage I was about like 30 when I met him. And if you want to judge things at the surface level, you could say that I kind of replaced the emotional need my parents/brother left with my husband. It’s not unheard of, doing that sort of thing (taking emotion for someone and using it to blot out pain caused by someone else….you see divorcees with their kids? Yeah). You see it all the time, even if you don’t notice it. I do. But I’m kind of obsessed with how people express themselves. I’m taking notes because I need pointers. I read an article about empaths, and I was like…holy shit I bet this is what people think I am, because I’m strangely capable at recognizing the emotions of others. But I like straight up will NEVER try to make anyone feel better.

Not because I’m some bitch who’s never wanted anyone to cheer her up (c’mon)

But because, that’s on YOU, buddy

Ain’t NO ONE going to be there, not when you REALLY need them

So learn to forgive them for it before it happens, and learn to stand yourself up.

I mean, a few things bring out the compassion in me, well in general animals are always going to. That’s true of most people, but I worked at a pet store for 11 years, and for 2 of those 11 years I also ran a pet sitting business (I still sometimes have stress dreams about it). There are definitely things I feel towards animals that I can’t ascribe to humans. That’s nothing groundbreaking though, we don’t see that parts of ourselves that we hate in animals, like we do with other people. My husband can tell from my face if I’m looking at a picture of cute animals or something else because I guess I only smile a certain, actually happy way if it’s animals.

OMG that bloody mary I made after work was STRONG. How is this almost 1500 words? jeez. Me sometimes

 

~Cassie

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