Timing and such

I know this is redundant of me, but I’m missing out on when I should have time for things. What things? Like exercise and writing and cooking dinner.
I think we all know which two of those three things i pick every day.

Well, we have officially decreed we won’t be moving which actually I’m excited about because the minor annoyances of this house (no central air or dishwasher) are NOT worth the DEEP hassle of moving. And, if you can imagine it, I do 100% of the work for moving. For my husband it’s just ONE day of heavy lifting (which he likes, he does it on his own with free weights in the garage all the time). I do 100% of the packing, the organizing, the unpacking, the coordination of everything, the godawful paperwork, the everything basically. AND I still have to help out on moving day, it’s not like there’s anyone else who could help us out, neither of us have made any friends in the five fucking years we’ve been living down here.

Speaking of friends, so I took the 22nd and 23rd of June off for this potential move, just to have a long weekend to get stuff done because reasons i just explained, but now I don’t need to waste that long weekend moving our huge amount of shit. SO I was like, oh man this would be a perfect opportunity to take the train and hang out with best friend. I even researched Amtrak tickets before texting her, it would’ve only been $73 roundtrip. Which, you can argue I’d spend less in gas, especially in my car, but when asked to place a dollar value on the emotional stress I’d feel driving there and back, Amtrak is far more affordable. But, no, OF COURSE, her stupid dickweed older brother is going to be in the state for that weekend with his perfect angel children and his perfect saint wife, so naturally best friend is going to be two hours north of me spending time with people she doesn’t even really like.  Idk I guess you could say I have a warped sense of how family should work so maybe I’m just jealous of her not total shit older brother. So it was disappointing such a promising idea got shut down so quickly. She asked if I could move it up a week but there’s no way my work would go for that. I asked if a weekend in August would work but she doesn’t know her work schedule for then so it’s a total guessing game if she’ll even be home any given weekend.  So basically that’s been nipped indefinitely. It’s frustrating because it’s ALSO the only thing I can afford to do. Because all I’d end up paying for is my train tickets and food/beverage while I’m there. She lives with her boyfriend who owns a house, which is awesome to me. I feel like an inadequate loser when compared with homeowners the same age as me. One of the guys we swung with renter-shamed us. It was annoying. But so was his dick so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. So anyway because best friend lives with her boyfriend I have access to a free bedroom in the city. Which again is the only reason this is affordable. So, now I can either work those two days and save my vacation time or I can take the long weekend at the end of next month but do nothing with it.

It’s kind of depressing to admit, but I always make a really long To Do list for long weekends.

Let me back up.

I keep a small notebook in my purse, I’ve been doing so since I was in grade school (circa 8th grade, you start menstruating you kind of need to start carrying a purse, I call it grade school because there was no distinction between grade school and middle school where I went. That was some public school ish). In that small notebook, I have a few running lists going:
1) To Do – this is major things that will take time and planning and sometimes money
2) To Buy – a list of things i want to buy when i have the funds
3) Bills/To Do – All active and outstanding bills are listed with their due date, crossed out when paid. This To Do list is more immediate things, like groceries and sweeping and cat boxes, usually stuff it doesn’t cost me anything to accomplish.
4) Grocery List – which consists of two categories – Grocery and Other. I usually start the next week’s grocery list when I’m at the store getting that week’s groceries, if you can follow that. It happens because there are usually things I’ve written down through the course of the week that i know we’ll need soon, but sometimes money is tight and you’re like..eh, this can wait until next week. I’ve written and re-written the same things like 12 times on a grocery list before actually buying it. Annoyingly expensive things like batteries and carpet cleaning solution.
5) To Read/Buy – this last one isn’t actually in the notebook anymore, because now that I’m not in school it’s not as relevant of a thing. I’m still reading, of course. In fact i just finished A Room with a View and plan on starting The Return of the Native tomorrow. I know, I just love me some Victorian white men. But really if you perused at my book collection you’d see my author affinity lies with Nigerian woman. But I keep this as a running list too, just not in the notebook.

But, on the long summer weekends, I make an extra specially long To Do list, you know so I can attempt to feel good about the fact that I do nothing fun with long weekends. At least I’m productive, I can say. And yes, I suppose in some ways I’ve benefited from my ability to persevere. But, in other ways, I am just so tired. There’s not too much that isn’t unfair, it’s just enough that’s been unfair in my life. Just enough to make me bitter. Just enough to worry me that something worse might happen and this has all been some awful preamble.
That’s where I’m at, mentally, I guess. Then there’s my..well…idk I guess you could call it substance abuse issues. To me I don’t have a problem but I’m aware enough to realize that that’s probably what all addicts say… so…maybe I do. At the same time, when your addictions are weed and booze (namely beer or vodka) it’s a little bit harder to get called out on it. I try to keep it to one stiff Bloody Mary a day. Plus whatever weed I want, which I wish was less because that shit is expensive if you’re not growing it.

But, I should be off. I just wanted to capture this disappointment, I don’t know why. It was a fairly good day at work, free lunch and impromptu dessert happened. Tomorrow’s Thursday at least. Plus I have a new dress to wear, so that makes any work day worth it.
I guess there’s a few ways I’m vapid. But only a few.

~Cass

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