I’d prefer not to

I think we all know what that’s from. Today marks one week since I caught my husband cheating. 

It’s difficult because choosing to be miserable isn’t healthy, yet neither is acting like everything is fine when so certainly it is not. 

Last night he told me I can face time him whenever I want, to prove where he is, and he wouldn’t find it controlling because he knows he has to earn my trust back. 

But of course, I’d prefer not to. I’d prefer not to have to. Besides, the one time he snuck out and fucked a stranger I was asleep for the night….so…..how can that stop him?

I know no one is completely one thing or another (i.e. If a spouse cheats there might be blame on both sides, but not always I guess), but my nature is to assign blame to myself. I wonder what would’ve happened  if I woke up that night and saw that he was gone. 

Maybe it was when in 2015 we decided to try having sex with other people. Or when I had a really long lasting tryst with a guy from grad school that was more or less a boyfriend in addition to my husband for almost a year, but I’m drawn to lost alcoholics so I got sick of his addict behavior (who else got to know addict behavior really well as a kid?) after awhile. I now have him blocked on everything because he would occasionally try to contact me and I was like…oh wait I thought you never paid me back the two times I bailed your DUI having ass out of jail but you bought yourself a PS4 and that when I said I didn’t want to hang out one weekend you said you needed to ghost me. Oh no. You do not speak to me with disrespect. I was literally the one good thing in this guy’s life (and even that was fucked because he was just my side chick) and he’s like oh I better knock her down a few pegs. Like ohhhhh no, no no no no, no.

Or maybe it was because like three months after I broke it off with grad school side chick (this was June 2016 if you’re keeping track) three times in the same month (November) my husband and I had a foursome. They all kind of sucked. If a guy is used to having condomless sex with his girlfriend,  he isn’t going to perform well when he’s drunk and stoned and trying to have condom sex with a stranger. With the second couple I did way more stuff with the girl. 

But that was last November, and we got burnt out on it. But I guess that level of depravity is something my husband still needs. I never liked it. It was fun in its own way, I didn’t feel like I was coerced into going along with things, but like eghhhhh I’d rather not, I’d prefer not to.

But my husband, he much prefers, I now gather. It’s probably what led to my intense anguish over the past week. 

But, I don’t know, I’ve always been an onward and upward sort, and like I said truth be told I’d rather not be 30 and divorced. And I was made quite unhappy by my lack of communication with my husband this and week. And I don’t have anyone else in my life who even comes remotely close to meaning as much to me. I mean I love my mom and best friend too, but I can’t make my mom leave her toxic, abusive marriage, and my best friend has her own life to live, my husband is supposed to be here with me. Which he is. Most of the time. 

I’d prefer not to have to deal with all of this, but that’s always the case no? So, since I’m here.
~Cassie

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