Slow, jagged remorse

I’ve been feeling guilt, deep insidious guilt, for as long as I can remember. I recall as a young child I would feel terrible if I left an opportunity to spend time with my mom to be with friends. And, believe me or don’t, I felt truly and deeply guilty every time I left my house to spend the night at R’s. It didn’t stop me from going, though. My feelings have never been enough to stop my actions, which typically follow whatever my dominant train of thought is at that moment. Sometimes I worry I’m impulsive, other times I’m disgusted at how boring I am. I do love routine and order and habit and pattern, but it has to be unity and variety, not just unity, that’s for psychos.

My husband asked me recently, if I felt so bad doing what I did, why did I do it? It’s not an easy answer. Someone who didn’t learn how to act the opposite of how they felt at a young age isn’t going to comprehend it.

But, at the same time, my husband was more than pleased to use my comfortability with degradation and depravity when he wanted to swing. Which it wasn’t so much swinging as foursomes where the guys didn’t interact but whatever. I mean I wasn’t into it emotionally, at all (which for me is the ultimate high, and I’ve tried most highs) so it would never appeal to me on a meaningful level. I was still more than happy to get fucked up and do it though. But so many times I’m unsure why I feel the way I feel, so why shouldn’t I be unsure about my actions too? Especially when it’s something that’s momentarily gratifying.

But it’s Sunday, I must be off to cook dinner. But these few ideas dawned on me this weekend. And the more that time goes on, the harder all the guilt, the remorse, is to swallow.

Sidenote – I started a Twitter – follow me if that’s your thing  – @CassieAnonablog

~Cassie

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