Arguably rawer than even my usual

What I’m going to paste below has been copied from an email I sent to myself. The email content originated in 3 notes I wrote on my phone today, one around 6:30 when I was leaving for work, one during my 10 o’clock break and one during lunch – the only editing that I’m doing is replacing people’s names with the noun clusters I use to describe them in this anonablog.

Some context : Yesterday after he got home from work around 8 my husband was on the phone with his mom for quite awhile. He mentioned that she said she was worried she’d offended me by asking about my situation with my mom. Because, much like her constant strife over her daughter, on most occasions she’d rather not talk about it, or have to think about it, because she really can’t do much anyway. And to make it more fun for me, at one point I was alone at our table at a restaurant with my father in law, and what’s the first thing he asks me about? The exact same thing.

And when I get into the “this is the kind of life you deserve” thing, it’s because my husband grew up quite spoiled and quite privileged. And his friends were the same way. Now all of them are struggling to even find gainful employment, much less match their parents’ successes by their the time they were their age. But I guess rich kids grow up just assuming they’ll be like they’re parents (poor kids grow up terrified of that same thing) because it’s always been that way why wouldn’t it stay that way? My mom even said something along those exact lines recently. And more than once my husband has said something along the lines to me of how I should hurry up and become a famous author already. And like…it’s nice to be that believed in, I don’t say otherwise, but also..like…please tell me that’s not what he’s waiting for.

I think that’s all the preamble required. Whenever I post something I’ve written in angered haste on my phone it’s a hit on WP so…here goes:

“It really irritated me last night when you said the situation I’m in with my mom was “unfathomable” to your mom. It is to me to, but I still get to live it and be asked obnoxious questions about it by BOTH of your parents, who I have to see all the time whether I want to or not.

Also I’m sure you didn’t even notice but when you mentioned this landscaping company works Saturdays and I was like well that means you’ll get out at 2 then come home and pass out and you said you were going to beat that habit this time and it’s like no, I doubt it, I know you are capable, but I guess you need a true motivator like getting to spend time around [girl he volunteered with] who is so amazing and inspiring and intelligent and impressive the thought of getting to impress her gives you energy you’ve NEVER had in my presence. So I guess if you’ll start volunteering again you won’t start sleeping after work but if it’s between taking a four hour day nap or getting to spend time with me, well history speaks for itself which you’re going to pick.
Also, what was your reaction to her expressing worry she’s offended me with her needless and nosey questions? Was it to just immediately assure her she was in the right and just expressing concern? Not that she would be doing me a kindness if she could just shut up about it. Because of course your mother is going to need comfort and reassurance, you’ve got to look out for your mother’s and your own feelings no matter what and certainly before mine. I get the version of you that snaps over the STUPIDEST shit, the you who’s just fucking owned by his OCD to the point you can’t even see it when it happens, who’s always assuring me all I do is make you feel bad about yourself (and you felt bad about yourself waaaaaay before we met, so please stop attributing my attempts to maybe IMPROVE you as a person as a vicious attack, but you’re too busy being a good, sensitive person, i fucking forgot).

Also, do you wish you’d been single when you met [her]? She’s the kind of girl you deserve to be with, you’re so entitled to a life of luxury despite your inability to work hard or overcome anything or be understanding or dare I say sensitive towards me (you’re too occupied over your own feelings, I forget). Too bad you were already tied down with a slutty bitch like me who spent “over a year” being “infatuated” with someone else and hatefully telling you to fuck off whenever you so healthily tried to talk to me about them ( you know when you weren’t passed out drunk and unemployed). Poor you. You deserve better than me. You told me so.
And of course I have to be worried that if I ever express my feelings in a certain way, it might trigger you, and then you become this really awful to be around, scary, unreasonable, horrifying shit show who bashes his head against things because he’s SO ANGRY at me (and throws things at me, and shoves me, and says HATEFUL shit to me) I mean I caught you cheating with a disgusting Craig’s list stranger on July 20th. By August 2nd you were bashing your head against our coffee table and telling me you were ready to walk away from our marriage because of how awful I am to you. Project much????? And what happened to “I won’t let you hate me” ????? You can be strong and tolerant for me for a week, that’s it? Then it’s back to self centered child husband who is a hair trigger away from physically hurting himself and others. You know it’s really telling that you’re afraid to talk to a therapist because you think they’ll institutionalize you. Isn’t that the exact person that needs to be institutionalized????

And another thing, last Friday when we got into yet ANOTHER huge fight you said you couldn’t imagine I would have sex with someone even though I was uncomfortable about it. But you SURE were more than pleased to take advantage of that EXACT problem of mine when it meant you getting to have sex. Do you think I wanted to swing? No! Not once! It’s fucking gross! But I get home from work one day and you’ve made this profile. But somehow you don’t recall that as a problem. I felt like you were whoring me out to get yourself gratification because you hate me anyway and the ONLY thing that REALLY matters to you is gratifying yourself and soothing your compulsions. NO ONE AND NOTHING comes even close. Yet you spend all day convincing yourself otherwise.
God what did you do to get stuck with such an awful wife????
I am still SO angry and things keep getting worse. How long before a compulsion takes over and you stab yourself or me?
I’m sick of this. I’m sick of working so hard. I’m sick of being unappreciated. I’m sick of your DEEP need to always be the victim. I’m sick of crying at my desk. I’m sick of crying when you’re not home. I’m sick of your promises that never amount to anything.
You said you’d be better and make things better.
They’re worse
You’ve made them worse since then.
I can’t stand this.
It’s going to kill me.”
Admittedly, I do feel better now that I’ve said all that. Its like lancing poison out. And I DO also freely admit I would NOT react well if my husband sent me a pages long text like this.  That’s what makes him good. Not the ways he thinks, but there is a genuine patience and tolerance to him that’s not the fake I-put-up-with-abuse-to-make-people-like-me shit that people like my mom put on. I sensed it about him a long, long time ago, and I think even at 21 I knew that was what I really needed. Because I’ve always taken care of every and all of my needs, except my emotional needs. No clue about any of that.
So I don’t know. The last line refers to these weird chest pains I get some times. Lately.
I still don’t know where things are at or what’s up. But we both have been trying really hard, and we want to get better and improve, so, we’ll see I guess.
~Cassie

3 Comments

  1. You really make it appear so easy together with your presentation however I in finding this matter to be really something that I believe I might never understand. It kind of feels too complicated and extremely broad for me. I am taking a look ahead for your subsequent put up, I’ll try to get the dangle of it!

    Like

    Reply

  2. You actually make it seem so easy along with your presentation however I in finding this matter to be actually something that I believe I might by no means understand. It seems too complicated and very large for me. I’m looking forward for your next publish, I will try to get the hold of it!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. I am impressed if you read all of this, my good reader. Yes, it’s very long and confusing and I stop one long train of thought before finishing it to start another. All of this post stems from such deep, horrible emotions, I never could write about it eloquently.
      I don’t know what second post you’re referring to, because in part I can’t reread what I’ve written here. I know how it will make me feel, and sometimes you just have to avoid making yourself unhappy.
      Again, thank you for reading.
      -Cassie

      Like

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s