A major instinct/reaction of mine is to only remember the bad things about someone, the horrible shit that they did. I have to actively force myself to think about the times a person was nice, or did something considerate. Like the memories are there, but my instinctive impression is to assume everyone is shitty and out to get me.
All right, now that I’m saying it, I kind of hear it.
What prompted all of this was my husband trying to convince me that cutting people off is unhealthy. I was like okay so I should start talking to my dad again? lol wtf. He was like no, not your dad, but this person is not your dad….etc. etc. To him, only the extreme example of just a horrid human being is okay to do what I did. To me, it’s like…why keep anyone shitty in your life? I mean. If you’re willing to COMPLETELY cut ties with one of your parents…do you think doing that to other people is some sort of problem? You could argue the same for murder. But then there’s another side to that pancake and its the idea that your parents are in a VERY unique and nearby position to truly make your life hell, if they are so inclined, for [infinite] number of reasons.
But like, to me, it’s wrong and mentally weak and unhealthy to keep someone in your life just so you can give them an unending supply of chances to wipe their ass with you. I really hate the phrase, or any gross phrase, but sometimes its truly appropriate. Again. This is my dad and brother I’m talking about. If you couldn’t tell. Like I’ve said, my mom and Grandma were like your sane level of controlling/passive/repressive and they would’ve been enough on their own, but then..throw the garbage fire that is my father, who TOTALLY ruined any chance my brother had — sexism has had its purpose in my life, I’ll give you that — of being not garbage, all four of them…yeah….you do NOT get how fucking amazing it is that I’m as normal as I am.
I mean, I know I’m not “normal” but I’m functional, and like a rational/logical human being who’s VERY good at acting “chill” at almost any moment I’m around other people.
I’m leaving in a minute to get my MM card. It’s about time, am I right?
I need to split, but today, I should mention, I started thinking about someone publishing a story similar enough to my novel that it would seem like I plagiarized them, and couldn’t really stop. Like I let it get me REALLY mad. But, I mean, unless I actively choose to start sleeping less, I can’t spend much more time writing than I do. I wish I could not clean, that I could just deal with it being gross/messy (there’s 2 people and 5 cats in a like 850 sq ft house with no basement or attic) or was with someone who cleaned on their own or could just afford to pay someone to do it, but none of those are my reality, so, you know.
Anyway, should be off. Wish me luck.
Also – might do away with the last name Stevens, can’t decide.