N, or No, but really though

Okay. I think I’ve discussed it enough with the two people in the world I trust (besides my moms, but she’s different, I don’t burden her with my life) and I THINK I figured some shit out as to why I was SO FUCKING UPSET today and yesterday.

Luckily, I have the world’s chilliest best friend (she rewards you for positive behavior with kindness/more attention than your whining ass was getting…it’s hilarious to watch when you know it’s coming) and the world’s warmest husband. IDK how I’d still function without the too-much-one-way approach they both take.

So. What happened that upset me so much? Ha. Okay. See if you can keep up.

N, guy from grad school, not to be confused with R, and I had been flirting hard for about a week over DM/text. You know the thing I alluded to being excited about? Well, blog, I know you knew it had to do with fucking, but yeah, it was the fun of talking with N on a really regular if not constant basis for about a week. Not long, I get it. We were talking enough so that I felt comfortable enough to ask him if he wanted to hang out this past weekend. He said he was into it. His words. He proposed plans and I agreed. I was super excited.

And, instead of getting into the details, because I don’t want to do that more than I already have mentally and in other blogs that are private, let me just tell you TWO exact quotes from N, spaced 5 hours apart, both of which were said on my couch:

5:30 pm (first arriving to my house) : “So we’re going to have sex….let’s just hang out first.”
That was all well and good. We’d already blantantly discussed fucking over DM. He did. He brought it up.
10pm: “I don’t think we should sleep together. I’m sorry. I feel like a prick. I didn’t mean to ruin your night.”

What the sweet fucking shit was I supposed to respond?

I was really embarrassed and confused. After he told me what was going on, I was still really embarrassed, but also fucking super pissed and just overwhelmed by how stupid I can fucking be.

I bothered to be myself around someone and to let my guard down and just be honest for once. And THIS happens.

The reasoning behind his massive/sudden change of heart stemmed from his having lied to me from the get-go about the exact situation in his relationship, which is intermittently open….and this was glossed over/straight lied about. He had a PERFECT out, when I asked him if he wanted to get together. He could have said right then that he wasn’t able to do such a thing at this time. OR he could’ve said he wanted to hang out but sex couldn’t be part of it, THEN waited until he was in another “open” period. But N didn’t do that. N just fucking lied to me and made it seem like we were definitely going to fuck (because he literally said the words…more than once….) then at the end of the night gave me a comic book and then was like oh by the way I’m completely not okay with this.

I mean. No one owes anyone sex, ever. And I’m not desperate….do you see me?….but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. THIS was a weiiiiiiird amount of bullshit.

I do NOT do well when I put myself out there only to be rejected.

NO woman does well with sexual rejection. It’s literally like the one thing we don’t deal with, that and prostate cancer.

I let my guard down, and got fucking socked for it, AGAIN. You’d think I’d goddamn learn, but the day I learn is the day I stop feeling feelings…I think…

It’s a very disappointing thing to happen to anyone.

It’s not easy for me to connect with someone, or want to, AT ALL. Now it was all for nothing.

N could have SO EASILY just like…NOT fucking talked to me and started this whole process. Or he could have just NOT made hang out/fuck around plans with me, like he so definitely did.

That’s what bothers me.

And like…I had to stop myself last night when I was texting him because I didn’t want to be TOO mean because like…I forget only one other person in the world was raised by W, so only Justin (my brother) knows what it’s like to be eviscerated with verbal abuse and threats of physical/sexual abuse on a daily fucking basis. Our mom knows too, but she was a fucking adult then, wasn’t she? My husband tells me how good I am at cutting down, through all the layers, between the bone, with the craft of a surgeon. He doesn’t word it like that, but trust me that’s what he means. So I told N I was going to stop talking to him, but that it fucking destroyed me that this happened because I let my guard down. My fuck all my life has ever done is teach me not to do that. And all I’ve ever done is tell it to fuck off.

Now is no different, of course. I mean….I can’t help but think things along the lines of “Well, YOU’RE the one about to miss out, guy.” Perhaps my arrogance is some strange mental illness I developed to shield myself from the chaos that was my childhood.

But you know what. Adults get to make their own destinies. Even if its just fighting back against what you can’t help/couldn’t stop.  You’re responsible for all of your own shit, but that also means no one gets to take credit for things you do.

I tried teaching R that. But I don’t think he was listening. He was too far gone with alcoholism. Hot as he was. And you know what R NEVER fucking lied to me. It’s really not a good thing when you can’t reach the bar R fucking set.

I shouldn’t be so mean. He did mean a great deal to me at one time. I was always hyper attracted to him.

Like I said, I’m lucky to have my husband around for situations like this. He’s been so great about comforting me through this.

I know it’s fucking fucked that my spouse was consoling me for my “poly” hookup rejecting me hard, but it’s what fucking happened, all right?

I had to ask for an explanation.

When I said I’d stop talking to him, N said “Thank you.”

So. Yeah.

That went well.

The comic book still seriously confuses me. Like why. I have so many questions.

But it’s like N doesn’t get how hurt I was by what he did. I don’t think he gets it at least.

My husband tried helping me figure out what it was that fucking upset me so much. He was like, was it your self esteem? Did you just want to fuck? Were you super into this guy? Was it just wanting something to look forward to?

I’m not sure. But again, it was nice having him be there for me.

Still. One can’t help but wonder why you couldn’t have just been left alone if this was how it was going to go. Did rejecting me make N feel better about some shitty part of his life? Did he seriously just think he would be able to convince himself sleeping with me fell under the “okay” category when he “realized he wasn’t comfortable with it” hours into our meeting up? Then of course there were his many mentions that it freaked him out that we got along too well and talked too easily. But oh don’t worry he acknowledged that that’s a self-defeating loop that’s super unfair to me so I feel super not stung by that.

I wish I wasn’t so upset by this.

I wish I didn’t feel like this.

I wish I wasn’t so bothered. And hurt.

 

Also….I wish I could afford therapy……might be able to unpack why I only look forward to casual sex anymore….or why it means SO MUCH to me that someone would bother even paying attention/talking to me….

Yes….so…so….hard to figure out…..

But just because you know the cause of your feelings, that doesn’t mean you can fucking stop them, now does it?

 

 

~Cassie

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