NOPE. CAN’T. DONE. OVER. BYE. (A Cassie story)

Well, I’ve done it this time.

So, here’s a recap (also, sorry blog, with a human therapist, I don’t need you as much…..I feel like I’ve mentioned this already, but, alcohol…).

October 2018: Told about potential new job I am prime candidate for in different department
January 2019: Told I am interviewing for said job
February 12 2019: Interview for job
March 22 2019: Am told it is unknown to everyone involved except my future boss as to what the hold up is….am given vague idea that he doesn’t want to fire people to make room for me, and that’s exactly what would have to happen…so president of company is pushing future boss to make appointment, telling president of HR it’s “not up to [future boss]”

ME: SO WHAT YOU’RE TELLING ME IS….my new boss is being forced to take me on as an employee, AND people who have been in that department for years are getting fired because I’ll be taking on this new position…….WOW. What a great way to start off! Who wouldn’t be fucking stoked, at this point? WTF is wrong with me?

So like, I guess it’s my fault for not seeing how too good to be true this is.

BUt today, that thing…that thing I do…it happened….like….ahhhhh why am I like this, BUT ALSO, WHY DO OTHER PEOPLE ALWAYS DRIVE ME TO THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR?

But today my boss came over and asked for my port number, which they ask when your desk is moving, and for ONE second I was like…OMG is it really happening????? Then I hear it being discussed…….no, the girl they hired who used to work for the company back when I started who left, SHE’S getting my spot…and a job in a department with one of the hottest human beings I’ve ever seen as its director…..And I have to be the only employee at the empty pod at the very front of our department. I AM SO EXCITED FOR THE IDIOT COMMENTS. THE “OH, WHAT, ARE YOU IN TIME OUT? DID THEY HAVE TO SEPARATE YOU FROM THE OTHERS?” AH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. jESUS fuck I hate people.

When I was 16, I JUST HAD to go get a job RIGHT AWAY, even before I had a car, so I was a cashier at a Jo-Anns, they make the new cashiers wear “In Training” name badges.

To this day, I am literally sickened by the number of people who made some sort of “Boy, that’s sure a strange name for your mom to have picked out.” comments. IT WAS CONSTANT. Or the “UH OH, an IN TRAINING cashier, I’ll be sure to check my receipt twice!!!”

I am NOT the sort of person who should have worked 11 years of retail.

People are so goddamn shitty and worthless.

Wait, you, too, Cassie?
In my own way, I’d like to think.

So, today, when I realized I wasn’t going anywhere, that all the other people who were promoted at the same time as me are officially gone, and that now that fucking cunt from years ago is taking MY spot, and gets to work for that gorgeous piece of human being…while I get stuck at the desks we use as a buffet for potluck days ALONE, for who knows how long.

Well. After that, I was in a BAD MOOD. And….yeah…UNFORTUNATELY, I was thrown into a situation where I had to interact closely with my boss and….YEAH, jesus fuck, I literally lost control of myself. LIke…what did I do? Did I fake my way through way too much as a kid, now as an adult I fucking show my real emotions like some lunatic? I have a theory that you get so many hours of hiding your feelings. It’s something you’re born with. One of your stats. And MINE IS FUCKING GONE MAN. It was gone a long time ago.

So now, now I just have to keep an ACTUAL handle on myself. Do you realize how impossible this is? LIke….dude……DUDE today was so bad.

So, my boss can see how pissed I am.

And I was unable to fake my way out of it, like i normally do when confronted in this manner. She ended up making me go in her office to talk about it . Pretty quickly she was like “Cassie, you look like you’re about to cry.”

I literally don’t remember what even came of it. AT the end, she said something along the lines of “Well I think the world of you, and let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.”

Which I’m aware this is a nice thing for her to say. At no point did I say she was a bad boss, she’s always been exceedingly nice to me. Unsure as to why, perhaps she can sense what’s so horribly wrong with me? I’m like this pretty wounded deer that like some people instinctively want to bash with a shovel while probably an equal number of people would want to nurture and rehabilitate. Not that my boss is an animal person, at all, it’s a metaphor. Simile. One time R was a HUGE ass when I mixed those two up, and honestly it lowered him in my estimation forever. FUNNY that N couldn’t even reach the very very very nearly subterranean bar that R set, isn’t it? Like why? Because you know R never lied to me. FUCKED as he was in every other way (he even got progressively less hot as the 8 months went by, because alcohol) but he NEVER LIED TO ME. N fucking smooth talked me from the get go. You just DON’T expect that from someone who says they’re in an open marriage. Like…why would those guys need game? They can just be cool and honest. Oh wait, no, even in that situation, most of them are absolute garbage. Bonus points for one you actually enjoy talking to who cites that as a reason not to pursue anything…..I mean that alone…that and the CLEARLY misleading me….not over it, never will be. Am literally disgusted I almost let him read CF1. I mean, sex is one thing, that that happened, or anything even remotely physical. Now it’s just an annoyance of a memory of something that never was. I don’t do second chances. No one fucks with me, not twice. One might attempt to argue I did indeed give N a second chance….well, you’re wrong, that was all part of the same chance. I didn’t say the first ones weren’t quite prolonged.

I guess a good way to put it – when I’m done with you, I’M FUCKING DONE. I ghosted my parents. Once you do that, you realize you can be drastic about pretty much anything that’s irking you.

Dude I am so sick of crying. I’ve been crying since I got home from work. At first my husband was being nice, but IDK, he just kind of walked off after I said something along the lines of “well maybe if EVERYTHING in our life wasn’t dependent on where I work.” It’s true though. I make 4x what he does. We’re insured through him, which is a relief in a way. Like part of me just wants to no call no show this shit.

Because, also, haven’t mentioned yet:

about a month ago, on a friday the whole department was gathered in the training lab for these stupid quizzes they give us that we’re not allowed to call quizzes, someone else from the department announced for me to everyone, without my consent or knowledge, that I’d be leaving. And I guess a few people had already heard that it was happening from our boss, and I’m just like…well, as long as people have all heard about it….from someone who isn’t me…..and now she’s had me train other people how to do my stuff…and other people now do my stuff…so I’m literally hard pressed to find things to do throughout the day. Even today, and I was covering for someone out sick.

So. IDK, the idea of having to move from my spot NOT into my new job that ALLEGEDLY is a thing, but instead the effing outskirts of my former/current department, for WHO knows how long? And my boss sent me an email chain with the forward “I’m not lying to you.” that was her inquiring with my HR person and the president of the company about it. and I mean first of all, I never ONCE thought she was, like none of this is really her doing, I’m aware it’s not up to her. But I mean, really, why would I go work for this guy? Who’s dying to be like, HEY, YEAH, ME, I’m the one they forced you to hire! HEY! BE COOL TO ME, RIGHT?

Bah.

My whole face hurts from crying. My husband gave up on being nice to me when I started doing the thing where I let one upset snowball into all the upsets. Is it my fault there’s so many?
-haven’t seen own mother in years
-have no friends (1 bff I see about once/year)
-90k student loan debt (THAT GETS WORSE EVERY MONTH)
-Soulless job that have 0% to do with my EXPENSIVE academic pursuits
-General mental turmoil of the job application process
-What i like to call moderate alcoholism
-Near constant weed use (ANOTHER HUGE DETRIMENT WHILST JOB HUNTING)
-have been working very hard for very long time, with nothing to show for it
-no kids, idea that time will run out on this endeavor, similarly also relief I don’t have any kids because I can barely take care of my own shit.
-idea that scarring childhood actively hinders/ruins adult situations/relationships is literally the cruelest sort of insult one could hurl forth. Like N, and his “we got along TOO well” arugment. Will I ever not be mad about that? I guess time will tell.
-general notion that anything i ever am excited about is ruined (good example: my wedding)

I am so tired. If there’s a thought I didn’t finish, sorry, my head hurts, need sleep. must deal with work garbage tomorrow………….

~Cassie

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