Why

I love you

Don’t

Fight it

My alcoholism is raging but whatever

We could’ve been so good together

I know my worth, even when I’m shitfaced. Especially then.

I’m so lonely.

Always the case

Breathe in, breathe out

“He didn’t get violent, but he threw up my homemade chili in three different rooms…so….”

We have some different opinions on what constitutes “confusing behavior” let me tell you. How can you be so fucked that you can’t see how [pick an upset adjective I’m sure it’ll work] I was? How the sweet fucking shit would I not still be angry? I’m sure I’ll always be angry. Because no one cares how I feel. No one even acknowledges the existence of my feelings, much less does anything to possibly treat me like I matter. Is it something I do? It’s GOT to be something I’m doing.

I also really can’t reconcile my extreme arrogance with how pathetic I find myself. I guess it breaks down like this:

1) I find myself hyper attractive, physically. Surely, there are many many people much better looking than I. I don’t really ever go about my conceitedness in a “I’m SOO much better than ____” Like really, I just don’t. You can be happy with your situation and not be comparing all the time for reassurance (About looks…personality and intelligence wise is a different story). Also, there are some things I’m MEH about about my body, like all of us, BUT idk, overall happy with what I have.
2) I’m aware of how much smarter I am than most people I know. Yeah, I GET that that’s not the thing you’re supposed to say. Also, I do know many people who are more intelligent than I am, BUT hollllly shit have I met way more people at the other end of that spectrum.

3) I’m always working towards some major massive life goal, and I find that pretty dope. What were they? First was getting out of my parents. Second was college and I decided to go for a two-fer and did my Bachelors and Masters all in a row. Third is writing CF. I’m 31 and on #3, but I mean who’s counting besides me? I don’t have shit like have a kid or buy a house on there because to me a MM life goal needs to be something I KNOW I can do. Again, I’ve always been wow’ed by my own intrinsic motivation.


Now that you REALLY hate me….let me also tell you why I’m such a pathetic undeserving fucking loser.

I settle. I don’t think I deserve anything, because at what point in my life was I taught otherwise? I don’t aspire to NEARLY the levels I am capable, I’m sure the substance abuse problems aren’t really helping in this regard, either. I’m your typical idiot who is afraid of failure so she doesn’t try. All the fucked up parts of me are the ones that make me feel normal.

But even the part of me that can rationalize around the settling, that can be like…well, you’ve always tried your hardest and worked really hard…that part of me can’t even get over the worse problem. The one that’s always ruining my life and happiness.

Why, OH WHY, would I end up as I am, only to also be riddled with this HORRID neediness? HOW is this fair, or logical? Who evolves like this?

Have I told you, no I haven’t, about the inheritance of loneliness? It’s a thing. And it’s coming at me, strong, for many generations, on both sides. Look at what it did to my brother. I’ll get into why, later. Believe me, I have theories, quilted together from childhood conversations with my Grandma, of which there were A LOT.

So like…idk is the COMPLETE lack of physical affection throughout my childhood? Is it the horrible instability/insanity I saw my parents, particularly my father, display, on a near constant basis?

I took my husband to therapy, to discuss how he needs to get rid of 80% of his useless junk we’ve accumulated in this house since we moved in, which we are now moving out of come the end of June. I knew it would take at least two sessions with a counselor to get him through it. Plus idk I like having my husband with me – even when I was spending so much time with R, I missed my husband – so it was better for that reason.

But my therapist pointed out how I communicate in absolutes.

Yeah. I guess. I’m hyperbolic. I mean, sometimes.

But to say I cannot even begin to understand the depths of despair and hurt I feel EVERY time I like someone and they end up treating me poorly, it’s true. BUT, also, I don’t get why some of the men I was so sprung over now mean nothing to me, and others, when I think about them, I’m still angry.

It’s so stupid and I don’t understand it and why is it ongoing.

OH you know why it’s ongoing. You know what drives you. Well, what two things drive you.

There’s so many layers to my reticence. At my worst, I’m incapable of looking at the other person, I’ll start doing whatever I can find near me to occupy my hands (put away dishes, pet a cat, etc). It’s involuntary. I just know I’m moving. I’m doing anything I can to streamline my thoughts

I know what it is

It’s

I’m 30.

How can there be another

Another what I don’t even know I’ve never thought to name it why bother when its impossible to ignore let alone escape.

I’ve needed other people my whole life. And it’s never gone well.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m actually with the right person for me, if I just found some random, nice dude and since we never broke up we ended up getting married and I was like eh better than being lonely. But then…wouldn’t you know if that was the case? Besides, there are things about our interactions that are realer than worry. Like today I was in a pretty terrible mood by the end of work, not because of work, and I know my husband could tell I was down when I got home. He came into our bedroom while I made the bed, then after he helped me, he had me smoke a bowl with him. Then I fell asleep on his chest, like a cat, or my with my body pillow most nights. It’s dope actually getting a ten minute nap in. And I genuinely felt better, lying there with him. We really do love each other. I know love is never enough, but it’s not an issue for us, at least.

I’ve decided I’m going to get more into pole. Like actually practice as much as I should. I would honestly go to the gym more but it’s $22 a class…first world problem I know but it’s a reality of my life, going the once a week is hard enough.

I feel better. Isn’t that always the way? Can you pinpoint the part I started crying? It was pretty intense, but short-lived.

Woowwww

The moment you realize you have regularly scheduled crying and climaxing. Not like, this happens on this night, this happens on this night shit, but like, I know X amount of times per week this will happen, and this will happen.

What the sweet fuck is that about?

Hmmmmm

Anyway, haven’t worked on CF at all.

As of TODAY, I have all three titles worked out. All three have the same initials. CF. What isn’t a clusterfuck?

I’d tell you the titles, but then what if someone steals them? I’d lose my ever loving mind. And if you read this blog you should be WELL aware how near fucking meltdown I usually am. I’m about to find out if it’s the booze or not. I’m not quitting altogether, but we’re cutting WAY down, for the usual reason of my husband had a night where he got blackout, and of course WHO deals with it? It was just last Wednesday night. He didn’t get violent, but he threw up MY homemade chili in more than one room…so… But also I want to stop drinking fucking beer or vodka every day because I genuinely need to lose some weight to be better at pole and that will NEVER happen with my intake where it was. I did better rationing alcohol when I did vodka kool aids, but my husband CANNOT handle liquor in the house so that’s out.

So, if I stick to it for once, I’ll find out if my increasingly erratic behavior is stemming from alcoholism or if, as I suspect, I’m simply out of the ability to tolerate bullshit, or cruelty, or using your own situation as a reason to be shitty to others.

I’m still upset I was lied to. I’m not the sort of person people lie to. Least not twice.

It’s embarrassing to say the least, but so is a great deal of my life, SO….

The worst wall, I can’t even look at someone

Next, I pretend we’re strangers, whenever we interact. I’m polite, but you’ll never get even a hint of warmth. I was raised by rigid Germans like my Grandma, I went through a Lutheran school system for thirteen years, I KNOW how to be frigid. It’s a highly honed defense of mine.

And, between that eye contact barrier and that one, most everyone I know sits, completely and totally unaware that there was the possibility of something beyond what they saw before them.

Not saying that’s not my fault, clearly it is my doing, but I also can’t help it.

There are many ways I wish I didn’t feel. About many things. I didn’t need another one. So yeah, confusing is one way of it….lying to me and humiliating me are also a way to say it. At the same time I don’t know what I want, besides not to be angry anymore. There’s no amount of apologies that could make me feel better. It doesn’t help that the ones offered to date I suspect like many of my superficial addictions, this one will seem passe when the next is before me.

This weed is like, too strong.

Anyway I need to work on CF before the food cravings truly take me.

~Cassie