All I ever wanted

Was someone to love me like I love me.

But then someone did, but by nature of “the damaged loves the damaged” law, he’s so fucked I can barely stand it because I’m so fucked I seem abusive to him too.

So goes my life. With me, ever convinced that I’m not meant to be happy. I want to be. But it just doesn’t seem likely. But you know what I can be? Successful. I’m kind of throwing my all into writing, because that’s what it takes and what else do I have?

I do worry about my alcoholism.

But what isn’t there to worry about?

I’m going to lose my goddamn shit when I lose Oscar.

With no Twitter where will my brilliant thoughts go?

Well I get I neglect you big time now, blog. There simply is no time. Book update:

Got my first round of edits back on June 30th, the editor had positive things to say, I’ll show you part of the email in a sec. I got through the edits at an astonishing pace, sent the manuscript back to the editor July 7th. And now I’m back to waiting. I should get it back August 10th. Then we keep going until we’re both happy. Then a proofreader gets it, THEN it’s ready for publishing. By that point I surely hope I have learned how to market myself. We’ll see…..

Time and money are both constructs

Much like never having extra money when I quit smoking, now that CF is at the editor I still have no spare time.

Nothing much is going on. I’ve been getting really intense migraines lately. Idk why. My oldest cat is doing better but now the second oldest, on top of being diabetic and having lost like half his body weight and licking himself bald then to sores in several places, has taken to pissing in ANY corner he can find. At first i was pretty convinced we had to put him down, but then today I was holding him and

I just can’t

I can’t

I don’t care. I’ll figure out how to take care of him.

I mean I got Felix the July I was 18, I had been living on my own for less than a month. And I just can’t.

I love to think about about everyone i knew from grad school. Of the ones I know about, NONE of us are doing well. Isn’t that hilarious? I find it hilarious, and I’m not talking shit, I’m SO definitely among them. I mean I like my life and all but EH. But who knows, maybe I’ll do something great.

Stoned and eating truffles

I’m out of wine, wasn’t willing to deal with creepos at liquor store. So I just got real stoned and am eating some German truffles. It’s pretty all right.

My book has been with my editor for a six days. I should get it back June 30. A few times a day I have s major “ew omg I sent them a smoldering pile of garbage, whyyyyy it’s embarrassing.” It’s just a lot more real how, I guess.

Oscars been doing better. He still walks weird but he’s actually mobile again, he just has a limp. He gets a supplement once a day. Poor little man.

I’m weirdly at a loss for what to do with myself.

We’re not moving. We couldn’t find a cheaper place in an area I would feel safe. And they’re not increasing us here so ehhhhh. Plus not having to move. I might put extra effort into making this place nicer. I would love to be able to use my pole in the living room to it’s full extent. You need a six foot clearance. I’m a huge person.

This Saturday I have to navigate an open bar and being around my coworkers. Lawd pray for me.