I love you
My alcoholism is raging but whatever
We could’ve been so good together
I know my worth, even when I’m shitfaced. Especially then.
I’m so lonely.
Always the case
Breathe in, breathe out
I love you
My alcoholism is raging but whatever
We could’ve been so good together
I know my worth, even when I’m shitfaced. Especially then.
I’m so lonely.
Always the case
Breathe in, breathe out
We have some different opinions on what constitutes “confusing behavior” let me tell you. How can you be so fucked that you can’t see how [pick an upset adjective I’m sure it’ll work] I was? How the sweet fucking shit would I not still be angry? I’m sure I’ll always be angry. Because no one cares how I feel. No one even acknowledges the existence of my feelings, much less does anything to possibly treat me like I matter. Is it something I do? It’s GOT to be something I’m doing.
I also really can’t reconcile my extreme arrogance with how pathetic I find myself. I guess it breaks down like this:
1) I find myself hyper attractive,
physically. Surely, there are many many people much better looking
than I. I don’t really ever go about my conceitedness in a “I’m SOO
much better than ____” Like really, I just don’t. You can be happy
with your situation and not be comparing all the time for reassurance
(About looks…personality and intelligence wise is a different
story). Also, there are some things I’m MEH about about my body, like
all of us, BUT idk, overall happy with what I have.
2) I’m aware of how much smarter I am than most people I know. Yeah, I GET that that’s not the thing you’re supposed to say. Also, I do know many people who are more intelligent than I am, BUT hollllly shit have I met way more people at the other end of that spectrum.
3) I’m always working towards some major massive life goal, and I find that pretty dope. What were they? First was getting out of my parents. Second was college and I decided to go for a two-fer and did my Bachelors and Masters all in a row. Third is writing CF. I’m 31 and on #3, but I mean who’s counting besides me? I don’t have shit like have a kid or buy a house on there because to me a MM life goal needs to be something I KNOW I can do. Again, I’ve always been wow’ed by my own intrinsic motivation.
Now that you REALLY hate me….let me also tell you why I’m such a pathetic undeserving fucking loser.
I settle. I don’t think I deserve anything, because at what point in my life was I taught otherwise? I don’t aspire to NEARLY the levels I am capable, I’m sure the substance abuse problems aren’t really helping in this regard, either. I’m your typical idiot who is afraid of failure so she doesn’t try. All the fucked up parts of me are the ones that make me feel normal.
But even the part of me that can rationalize around the settling, that can be like…well, you’ve always tried your hardest and worked really hard…that part of me can’t even get over the worse problem. The one that’s always ruining my life and happiness.
Why, OH WHY, would I end up as I am, only to also be riddled with this HORRID neediness? HOW is this fair, or logical? Who evolves like this?
Have I told you, no I haven’t, about the inheritance of loneliness? It’s a thing. And it’s coming at me, strong, for many generations, on both sides. Look at what it did to my brother. I’ll get into why, later. Believe me, I have theories, quilted together from childhood conversations with my Grandma, of which there were A LOT.
So like…idk is the COMPLETE lack of physical affection throughout my childhood? Is it the horrible instability/insanity I saw my parents, particularly my father, display, on a near constant basis?
I took my husband to therapy, to discuss how he needs to get rid of 80% of his useless junk we’ve accumulated in this house since we moved in, which we are now moving out of come the end of June. I knew it would take at least two sessions with a counselor to get him through it. Plus idk I like having my husband with me – even when I was spending so much time with R, I missed my husband – so it was better for that reason.
But my therapist pointed out how I communicate in absolutes.
Yeah. I guess. I’m hyperbolic. I mean, sometimes.
But to say I cannot even begin to understand the depths of despair and hurt I feel EVERY time I like someone and they end up treating me poorly, it’s true. BUT, also, I don’t get why some of the men I was so sprung over now mean nothing to me, and others, when I think about them, I’m still angry.
It’s so stupid and I don’t understand it and why is it ongoing.
OH you know why it’s ongoing. You know what drives you. Well, what two things drive you.
There’s so many layers to my reticence. At my worst, I’m incapable of looking at the other person, I’ll start doing whatever I can find near me to occupy my hands (put away dishes, pet a cat, etc). It’s involuntary. I just know I’m moving. I’m doing anything I can to streamline my thoughts
I know what it is
How can there be another
Another what I don’t even know I’ve never thought to name it why bother when its impossible to ignore let alone escape.
I’ve needed other people my whole life. And it’s never gone well.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m actually with the right person for me, if I just found some random, nice dude and since we never broke up we ended up getting married and I was like eh better than being lonely. But then…wouldn’t you know if that was the case? Besides, there are things about our interactions that are realer than worry. Like today I was in a pretty terrible mood by the end of work, not because of work, and I know my husband could tell I was down when I got home. He came into our bedroom while I made the bed, then after he helped me, he had me smoke a bowl with him. Then I fell asleep on his chest, like a cat, or my with my body pillow most nights. It’s dope actually getting a ten minute nap in. And I genuinely felt better, lying there with him. We really do love each other. I know love is never enough, but it’s not an issue for us, at least.
I’ve decided I’m going to get more into pole. Like actually practice as much as I should. I would honestly go to the gym more but it’s $22 a class…first world problem I know but it’s a reality of my life, going the once a week is hard enough.
I feel better. Isn’t that always the way? Can you pinpoint the part I started crying? It was pretty intense, but short-lived.
The moment you realize you have regularly scheduled crying and climaxing. Not like, this happens on this night, this happens on this night shit, but like, I know X amount of times per week this will happen, and this will happen.
What the sweet fuck is that about?
Anyway, haven’t worked on CF at all.
As of TODAY, I have all three titles worked out. All three have the same initials. CF. What isn’t a clusterfuck?
I’d tell you the titles, but then what if someone steals them? I’d lose my ever loving mind. And if you read this blog you should be WELL aware how near fucking meltdown I usually am. I’m about to find out if it’s the booze or not. I’m not quitting altogether, but we’re cutting WAY down, for the usual reason of my husband had a night where he got blackout, and of course WHO deals with it? It was just last Wednesday night. He didn’t get violent, but he threw up MY homemade chili in more than one room…so… But also I want to stop drinking fucking beer or vodka every day because I genuinely need to lose some weight to be better at pole and that will NEVER happen with my intake where it was. I did better rationing alcohol when I did vodka kool aids, but my husband CANNOT handle liquor in the house so that’s out.
So, if I stick to it for once, I’ll find out if my increasingly erratic behavior is stemming from alcoholism or if, as I suspect, I’m simply out of the ability to tolerate bullshit, or cruelty, or using your own situation as a reason to be shitty to others.
I’m still upset I was lied to. I’m not the sort of person people lie to. Least not twice.
It’s embarrassing to say the least, but so is a great deal of my life, SO….
The worst wall, I can’t even look at someone
Next, I pretend we’re strangers, whenever we interact. I’m polite, but you’ll never get even a hint of warmth. I was raised by rigid Germans like my Grandma, I went through a Lutheran school system for thirteen years, I KNOW how to be frigid. It’s a highly honed defense of mine.
And, between that eye contact barrier and that one, most everyone I know sits, completely and totally unaware that there was the possibility of something beyond what they saw before them.
Not saying that’s not my fault, clearly it is my doing, but I also can’t help it.
There are many ways I wish I didn’t feel. About many things. I didn’t need another one. So yeah, confusing is one way of it….lying to me and humiliating me are also a way to say it. At the same time I don’t know what I want, besides not to be angry anymore. There’s no amount of apologies that could make me feel better. It doesn’t help that the ones offered to date I suspect like many of my superficial addictions, this one will seem passe when the next is before me.
This weed is like, too strong.
Anyway I need to work on CF before the food cravings truly take me.
“You ever think nothing good is going to happen to you?”
“Yeah, and nothing did. And I made it, I survived.”
That’s a quote from a good show, between two of whom I consider to be their best characters.
Work made me go talk to HR again, so I could, for a second time, tell them to go fuck off. I think they were hoping I changed my mind. Goes to show they don’t know me at all.
A lot of days I wonder how worthwhile therapy is. Does it help? Would I notice? Sometimes it’s not easy to part with $30 a week and two hours of evening time. Other days I’m like…really Cassie…because you’d make such wise decisions with that time and money otherwise….
I’m still working on my book of course, essentially every day. But lately I’ve been hyper discouraged about the whole situation. There are scenes I like. The beginning is solid. But there are parts that are years and years old, and parts that are so new I haven’t even edited them once yet. So at this point I’m trying to smash together finely honed properly aged greatness with unedited and raw information that is probably necessary. And I mean. Also still pretty irritated with my husband. My therapist was like, I don’t understand how he could have let the copy hit the table, much less let it sit for so long. Honestly I don’t even know how to bring it up. The last time I tried talking to him about it he just got pissy. And that was like two weeks ago.
What I’ve truly learned from therapy since I started is the notion that I’m ambivalent about everything and there’s never been a man in my life to do anything besides disappoint me.
Great. I’ll just get to fixing all that.
Seriously confused who’s connecting to this blog via Facebook, but whatever. I don’t plaster this shit all over the place for someone to not come by and see it. It’s a graffiti sort of thing, I think. But at the same time, it’s a bit more private than graffiti. I can’t believe I grew up into someone who pays for a blog.
Ambivalence, like sarcasm, is the language of the weak.
It’s funny, because I’m not bad at
making decisions. And I know what I like. For example, I have
eyeliner tattooed on my upper eyelids. I knew for certain I wanted
black. Even though the woman who did it seemed to question this,
since I’m not very dark, and she had so many shades to choose from.
Yeah no. I already have like nonexistant eyelashes, I’m not doing a
soft brown eyeliner on a permanent basis. I’d worn nothing but solid
black eyeliner for so many years, it wasn’t a question. Stuff like
that isn’t hard for me. But feelings? Ha!
Like my Grandma. On the one hand, she was the only reason I had even a remotely normal childhood. She paid my tuition so I didn’t have to go to the shitty public school by my house. She bought me school clothes. When I was 19 she bought me a car. Now that I’m older and can appreciate these things, I see my Grandma probably helped protect my mom in many ways over the years, since my Grandma was the one with the money. Not a ton, but SIGNIFICANTLY more than my parents. BUT, my Grandma was also pretty hateful and demanding and frigid and sure to criticize and talk shit and judge, not to mention she was the kind of racist one might assume someone born in 1918 Wisconsin. She also held everything she bought for us over our heads, and used them as examples of why we weren’t allowed to ever do anything she didn’t like or “talk back” (i.e. defend myself) in any way. THIS was the source of genuine love and compassion in my life. This was the normal part of my family. The “good” part, I guess. My father’s side is a MUCH closer brush against your genuine northern trash. Not to mention, if you look at just how terrible and fucked my father and his sisters are….it’s really shocking to consider what their parents must have been like. Just a special sort of fucked. Not that I care. Or that makes anything he did okay. I just understand the cycle of abuse probably didn’t start with him.
It’s a nice day out, I’m as broke as ever. But the days you don’t eat a lot you’re just like…eh, I wanted to lose weight anyway. Then you pay for a $22 pole dancing class because it’s the one fucking fun thing you do all week and you wear clothing from higher end retail to work because of your mother in law or your credit cards. The only two reasons you have any nice things. Which they say won’t make you happy, and you’re like…okay…but they keep saying exercise makes you happy too…and I’m still waiting for that shit to kick in.
What do people who don’t smoke weed every day even do?
Well, I’ve done it this time.
So, here’s a recap (also, sorry blog, with a human therapist, I don’t need you as much…..I feel like I’ve mentioned this already, but, alcohol…).
October 2018: Told about potential new job I am prime candidate for in different department
January 2019: Told I am interviewing for said job
February 12 2019: Interview for job
March 22 2019: Am told it is unknown to everyone involved except my future boss as to what the hold up is….am given vague idea that he doesn’t want to fire people to make room for me, and that’s exactly what would have to happen…so president of company is pushing future boss to make appointment, telling president of HR it’s “not up to [future boss]”
ME: SO WHAT YOU’RE TELLING ME IS….my new boss is being forced to take me on as an employee, AND people who have been in that department for years are getting fired because I’ll be taking on this new position…….WOW. What a great way to start off! Who wouldn’t be fucking stoked, at this point? WTF is wrong with me?
So like, I guess it’s my fault for not seeing how too good to be true this is.
BUt today, that thing…that thing I do…it happened….like….ahhhhh why am I like this, BUT ALSO, WHY DO OTHER PEOPLE ALWAYS DRIVE ME TO THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR?
But today my boss came over and asked for my port number, which they ask when your desk is moving, and for ONE second I was like…OMG is it really happening????? Then I hear it being discussed…….no, the girl they hired who used to work for the company back when I started who left, SHE’S getting my spot…and a job in a department with one of the hottest human beings I’ve ever seen as its director…..And I have to be the only employee at the empty pod at the very front of our department. I AM SO EXCITED FOR THE IDIOT COMMENTS. THE “OH, WHAT, ARE YOU IN TIME OUT? DID THEY HAVE TO SEPARATE YOU FROM THE OTHERS?” AH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. jESUS fuck I hate people.
When I was 16, I JUST HAD to go get a job RIGHT AWAY, even before I had a car, so I was a cashier at a Jo-Anns, they make the new cashiers wear “In Training” name badges.
To this day, I am literally sickened by the number of people who made some sort of “Boy, that’s sure a strange name for your mom to have picked out.” comments. IT WAS CONSTANT. Or the “UH OH, an IN TRAINING cashier, I’ll be sure to check my receipt twice!!!”
I am NOT the sort of person who should have worked 11 years of retail.
People are so goddamn shitty and worthless.
Wait, you, too, Cassie?
In my own way, I’d like to think.
So, today, when I realized I wasn’t going anywhere, that all the other people who were promoted at the same time as me are officially gone, and that now that fucking cunt from years ago is taking MY spot, and gets to work for that gorgeous piece of human being…while I get stuck at the desks we use as a buffet for potluck days ALONE, for who knows how long.
Well. After that, I was in a BAD MOOD. And….yeah…UNFORTUNATELY, I was thrown into a situation where I had to interact closely with my boss and….YEAH, jesus fuck, I literally lost control of myself. LIke…what did I do? Did I fake my way through way too much as a kid, now as an adult I fucking show my real emotions like some lunatic? I have a theory that you get so many hours of hiding your feelings. It’s something you’re born with. One of your stats. And MINE IS FUCKING GONE MAN. It was gone a long time ago.
So now, now I just have to keep an ACTUAL handle on myself. Do you realize how impossible this is? LIke….dude……DUDE today was so bad.
So, my boss can see how pissed I am.
And I was unable to fake my way out of it, like i normally do when confronted in this manner. She ended up making me go in her office to talk about it . Pretty quickly she was like “Cassie, you look like you’re about to cry.”
I literally don’t remember what even came of it. AT the end, she said something along the lines of “Well I think the world of you, and let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.”
Which I’m aware this is a nice thing for her to say. At no point did I say she was a bad boss, she’s always been exceedingly nice to me. Unsure as to why, perhaps she can sense what’s so horribly wrong with me? I’m like this pretty wounded deer that like some people instinctively want to bash with a shovel while probably an equal number of people would want to nurture and rehabilitate. Not that my boss is an animal person, at all, it’s a metaphor. Simile. One time R was a HUGE ass when I mixed those two up, and honestly it lowered him in my estimation forever. FUNNY that N couldn’t even reach the very very very nearly subterranean bar that R set, isn’t it? Like why? Because you know R never lied to me. FUCKED as he was in every other way (he even got progressively less hot as the 8 months went by, because alcohol) but he NEVER LIED TO ME. N fucking smooth talked me from the get go. You just DON’T expect that from someone who says they’re in an open marriage. Like…why would those guys need game? They can just be cool and honest. Oh wait, no, even in that situation, most of them are absolute garbage. Bonus points for one you actually enjoy talking to who cites that as a reason not to pursue anything…..I mean that alone…that and the CLEARLY misleading me….not over it, never will be. Am literally disgusted I almost let him read CF1. I mean, sex is one thing, that that happened, or anything even remotely physical. Now it’s just an annoyance of a memory of something that never was. I don’t do second chances. No one fucks with me, not twice. One might attempt to argue I did indeed give N a second chance….well, you’re wrong, that was all part of the same chance. I didn’t say the first ones weren’t quite prolonged.
I guess a good way to put it – when I’m done with you, I’M FUCKING DONE. I ghosted my parents. Once you do that, you realize you can be drastic about pretty much anything that’s irking you.
Dude I am so sick of crying. I’ve been crying since I got home from work. At first my husband was being nice, but IDK, he just kind of walked off after I said something along the lines of “well maybe if EVERYTHING in our life wasn’t dependent on where I work.” It’s true though. I make 4x what he does. We’re insured through him, which is a relief in a way. Like part of me just wants to no call no show this shit.
Because, also, haven’t mentioned yet:
about a month ago, on a friday the whole department was gathered in the training lab for these stupid quizzes they give us that we’re not allowed to call quizzes, someone else from the department announced for me to everyone, without my consent or knowledge, that I’d be leaving. And I guess a few people had already heard that it was happening from our boss, and I’m just like…well, as long as people have all heard about it….from someone who isn’t me…..and now she’s had me train other people how to do my stuff…and other people now do my stuff…so I’m literally hard pressed to find things to do throughout the day. Even today, and I was covering for someone out sick.
So. IDK, the idea of having to move from my spot NOT into my new job that ALLEGEDLY is a thing, but instead the effing outskirts of my former/current department, for WHO knows how long? And my boss sent me an email chain with the forward “I’m not lying to you.” that was her inquiring with my HR person and the president of the company about it. and I mean first of all, I never ONCE thought she was, like none of this is really her doing, I’m aware it’s not up to her. But I mean, really, why would I go work for this guy? Who’s dying to be like, HEY, YEAH, ME, I’m the one they forced you to hire! HEY! BE COOL TO ME, RIGHT?
My whole face hurts from crying. My husband gave up on being nice to me when I started doing the thing where I let one upset snowball into all the upsets. Is it my fault there’s so many?
-haven’t seen own mother in years
-have no friends (1 bff I see about once/year)
-90k student loan debt (THAT GETS WORSE EVERY MONTH)
-Soulless job that have 0% to do with my EXPENSIVE academic pursuits
-General mental turmoil of the job application process
-What i like to call moderate alcoholism
-Near constant weed use (ANOTHER HUGE DETRIMENT WHILST JOB HUNTING)
-have been working very hard for very long time, with nothing to show for it
-no kids, idea that time will run out on this endeavor, similarly also relief I don’t have any kids because I can barely take care of my own shit.
-idea that scarring childhood actively hinders/ruins adult situations/relationships is literally the cruelest sort of insult one could hurl forth. Like N, and his “we got along TOO well” arugment. Will I ever not be mad about that? I guess time will tell.
-general notion that anything i ever am excited about is ruined (good example: my wedding)
I am so tired. If there’s a thought I didn’t finish, sorry, my head hurts, need sleep. must deal with work garbage tomorrow………….
Well blog, I don’t know what to say, other than, now that I have a human therapist, I feel a significantly smaller need for you. Sorry. You’re a positively lovely archive of my mental illness, which makes me treasure you, but, there are only so many hours in the fucking day, am I right?
Therapy is going well. I always am a mix of having no idea what to say and being amazed I have yet to bring certain topics up. I mention my book about 756 times per session, but I still haven’t brought up R, even though I’m not avoiding it, it just hasn’t happened yet.
CF1 is still coming along, although at times I feel like my original date of December 2019 for completion might be far-fetched. Not to mention, between you and I, blog, I’ve been getting fucked like crazy, so like effing hopefuly I get pregnant soon? Like I don’t want to be an old mom, and it would be REALLY smart of me to have kids while my MIL is still living, because she will help tremendously with paying for things. And I’ve always, always imagined having children. I mean at this point, even one child (even though as a rule, when I was young, I hated only children).
I have to tell you guys, my book in insanely good. Like I really, really love it. It’s fun to read, and I’ve read it roughly 8500 times.
Isn’t it funny that out of all of my paranoia, I’m not at all convinced I’m delusional instead of arrogant?
I wonder at what age my face begn betraying my anger. It wasn’t until I was well into my twenties.
I have the next three days off. I want to write as much as possible. Sooner or later, if not December them shortly after, I’ll be done with this first book. I have so many ideas. I have some problems, but not knowing what to write isn’t one of them. I’m set through two different series. After that, I’ll figure it out, like I figure everything out.
I wonder what it is that I do to alienate everyone
it sure is something
Elephant bubbler 🐘