30th birthday/420 weekend recap

The title says it all. It was great seeing my best friend for longer than three hours between her driving from her place on her way to her mother’s. She got here around 12pm on Thursday. But then she was gone from like 1-4, so I’ll count from then on. We went to a grocery store to stock up on the random things i needed to make Mai Thais (then, in total this weekend, we made one mai thai, I made her one at the end of the night with almost no rum in it…because we’re old now…anyway) and this fun alcoholic coffee drink I like making. Then when my husband got home from work on Thursday around 7 we went to a brewery by me that was disappointing. But then we came home and ordered astoundingly good pizza from a specialty award-winning one-location-only pizza place by me. So that saved it. Then we went to bed after a few more drinks.

Then Friday on my actual birthday we got up somewhat early, after my husband had left for work, she and I went to a breakfast place I’ve always wanted to try, but it’s always so busy I never try to get in on the weekends. That’s the first picture. What’s hilarious, what I didn’t notice happening at the restaurant but my bestie did, was that there was a couple sitting near us, and the girl got jealous/mad because either the guy said something about us/one of us being hot, or she caught him staring at us, because she said really loudly, in a voice meant for us to hear it (I didn’t hear it because we’d just gotten our food and I was like…devouring that…) she said “Oh that girl? Right over there by that waiter with the tattoos? Oh, she’s too gothy for ME.” Idk which one of us she meant, my bestie has dark hair, but I have a bunch of rando ear piercings.

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See, I told you we were real cute. We always have been! Anyway….I LOVE how, even a little hungover and unshowered, we’re still making this rudeass person in the breakfast place petty as hell. Mwaahaha bone structure.

Then part of Friday was spent running the boring errand of getting my paycheck from work and taking it to the bank, because LORD forbid we have direct deposit…..Anyway.

Then we went back to my place for a few hours. BFF got some cardio in, because God forbid she not do that for one day. Then she and I got ready. Then around 4pm we hit up a book store I’ve always been meaning to look into, but never got around to going to because they close at freaking 5pm. It was a disappointing book store, to say the least.
Then we went back to my place to wait for my husband. He gets home from work around 7pm. Then, we finally got to the Mexican place I wanted to hit up for dinner around 9. Then we’re there until almost 11pm.
I’d wanted to get all done up and hit up a gay club, like I told you guys, but then I was REALLY tired by the time we got home from the restaurant, I was like I don’t want to go pay cover just to buy expensive drinks and want to come home the whole time. So we only took only more pic:

 

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Then Saturday morning she left to go with her aunt to visit her mother in our hometown. Then I did NOTHING on Saturday. Like I did our laundry. And I SAT on Tinder. That’s right, I started a Tinder again, this time under my alter ego, Cassie. That’s right. AND, I managed to nail down a situation that i think will work out.
I won’t say the guy’s name because I don’t want to be rude about confidentiality, but he lives near enough and is the same age as me, and is very interested in being the bisexual interloper we need for a MMF threesome. I mean, that’s what I really want out of life, and my husband is also very into the idea. And he likes the guy I found. BUT, the guy said he can’t meet up until the weekend after next, sigh, so we’ll see if things hold up that long. Sometimes it’s easy to forget about Tinder convos am I right?

I’m a little embarrassed I had SO much extra time off, and I didn’t write any more than normal…but oh well. I had a good time doing nothing, swiping left, slowly wooing this one cute guy for my husband and myself….It was a good time. He sent a dick pic and that’s a good situation, so that’s awesome.

So, the last thing I did this weekend was get done up to do some photos. As you know I have an at home pole, well enjoy below, one is me on my pole, I’m not rich enough to have the video support plan…sorry y-all. Then there’s another one of me because I did my hair AND make up and wore a fancy new pole outfit.

Then the last picture is me having a mai thai by myself, in comfy clothes, as i know my bestie suffers at her mother’s house in our hometown. I feel for people who still speak to their parents. That sounds real tough.

Anyway, I had a good 30th birthday and long weekend off from work, I really do appreciate that I had my best friend and husband with me for it, as I have for so many now. I cherish them both and my relationships with them. I’m sure my 30s will be great considering how fucking bad my 20s were by comparison, right?

Hope everyone had a good weekend. My birthday gifts were my pole, and like 12 edibles, and a new bubbler that makes me feel like a wizard when I use it.

Peace

 

~Cassie

 

“You’re gonna want to strap yourself in for this next one.”

Does anyone know what show that quote is from? Well, it’s a different context this time anyway. My BFF is on her way in right now, she should be here in like an hour I think. She’s ubering in from the airport because she knows me well and knows I do NOT want to drive to the airport, as I never have and I avoid stressful driving situations at all costs.

I have some time to kill before she gets here, and since I’m in a good mood and am getting really stoned (because she can’t smoke or be around it because she’s a doctor and all and they get drug tested like McDonald’s employees). And I wanted to tell you guys about this rando situation I once I had in my life.

But I realized, I never told you guys about Doug. And no, Doug is not his real name, but it’s close enough I’ll be able to remember who I was talking about.
I have what I like to think of as a very embarrassing history with him. We went to high school together. I was into him freshman year, and pretty much every year from then on. But, at the beginning of junior year he started dating this unattractive psycho in our grade. For the life of me I will never comprehend how this girl was always raking in dudes and I wasn’t. Like truly if you could compare our faces and bodies YOU would be stunned too. And don’t say it’s my abrasive personality, because HERS was worse. They were off and on all psycho like through junior and senior year, also I think after for a year or little less. Then all of a sudden, when I’m like 19, she’s engaged to someone else. I’m not saying I didn’t have things happen with other people, but i was always into Doug on some level the whole time. We had what I would call a mild flirtation going. We would talk on AIM. One time, I showed him a picture of my nipple piercings (when I was in high school, when he definitely was dating loonypants) and he said, and I quote, “Exquisite breasts.” It’s nice hearing, on any level, even in AIM.

So when I was 19, I do what anyone would do who was still hung up on this guy, once his ex SEEMED out of the picture, I started talking to him. This was the early 00s so we talked on AIM and on Myspace. This lead to eventual hanging out. We bonded a lot over smoking weed together, which I was already super into, so that was cool for me. In my defense, I always really liked this guy, in my mind he would be insane not to try and move on for real with me, when it was OBVIOUS things weren’t going to work out with you know who, despite her inability to actually let Doug go (SHE was free to be engaged to some dude she’d known for 4 months but if Doug showed interest in anyone she was quick to find some way to sabotage it. And he was like dying for any attention from her, because they had that weird fucked dynamic happening, so it would work).

So, Doug and I hung out, and got really stoned. This one time, we were alone at my apartment (I was 20, I had broken up with my terrible world of warcraft boyfriend about 9 months before that) we were really baked and we watched the movie The Number 23. After it was done, we had some sort of conversation that involved “what do you want to do now?” “I don’t know what about you?” “We could make out.” That last one (said by him) was almost a question.

Then, you know what happened. After awhile on the couch, HE suggested we go to the bedroom, but he did certainly ask. He carried me there. I can’t help it, I’m basic and female when it comes to how wet that shit gets me. I know it’s not fair to the MANY (most) men who couldn’t carry me any sort of distance. It’s not like I fit into the any sort of model-thin category, so I don’t expect men to have these unobtainable fitness abilities either. But…yeah….I mean I did weigh a lot less back then…but anyway…..

So yeah, we had sex once. but honestly the first time was disappointing. Because despite being the aggressor, if you will, when we finally got down to it, he was all “Should we really be doing this?”

Okay, I honestly had no idea what to think at this point I’d never had a guy get to like…the fucking point of insertion (sorry, graphic, sorry) and be like “Oh wait no this is a bad idea omg we should stop.” Like I’d only had sex with first idiotic jerk boyfriend (the one who took me to my senior prom but didn’t get me a corsage and then guilted me that me couldn’t afford to go to his prom because of mine, that’s the kind of guy HE was…) and then WOW boyfriend, and neither of them were sexually aggressive, at all, but they didn’t want to not do it when we finally were at that point I mean OBVIOUSLY I thought we should be doing what we were doing….I mean…yeah IDK.

I don’t remember what I said to him, that first time, but we had sex for like….2 minutes, then he lost whatever erection he’d managed to maintain. Then there was some REAL awkward getting dressed, made all the more awkward when he started touching and kissing me. I mean I wanted him to, but  I was also like…uuhhhh didn’t you just COMPLETELY puss out on me? I mean cmon. This is a frustrating situation, right?

So he left. We had a few more awkward sexual encounters at my apartment. Once, I recall donning a full lingerie outfit for him, one I’d specifically bought with the idea of seducing him. It was the most effort I ever put into getting a guy to bone before.

Now, looking back, I see how fucking pathetic I was. I really do. But, honestly, it wasn’t coming from a bad place. I liked Doug. I always had. I’d always been pretty up front with the fact that I liked him. Of course I wanted to sleep with him. I don’t mean to dwell on physical attributes, but this guy had a great dick. I mean just one of the ones that makes you want to put up with ALL their annoying/bad behavior (I had a similar issue, years later, with R). I really just did want to like be with him. But, at time went on, things got ABUNDANTLY obvious that nothing like that would ever happen.

What bothered me the most about all of this was that I couldn’t see WHY he wouldn’t be into me. I mean, like really….it confused me. It still kind of does. I still feel like I’m a solid catch. People should feel that way about themselves AND their significant other. I jokingly seriously told my husband his ability to grow good smoke put another huge one in the PLUS column. He needed another one over there. The other giant one is quit drinking for me. That’s pretty huge. But anyway back to someone who my husband reminded me of and that’s why I at first showed almost aggressive interest in my husband because I was like omg what if this is another Doug I can’t let this get all fucked and ruined somehow like that did. I have never told my husband this. But really if anything he should be grateful Doug was so shitty to me, I guess I deserved it?, because it made me REALLY cling to my husband when I met him. And look how that worked out…after like…7 shitty years….but anyway.

Two memories of Doug that stand out most to me. One good and one bad.

The good one. It was the winter when I was 20. He messaged me on AIM and texted me about hanging out (it was a Sunday night) which must have meant he was really in the mood, because hanging out almost definitely meant we’d bang, at this exact point in our situation.
I drove out to his house (his garage specifically, though to class it up a little, his garage was a makeshift den) which was a long, perilous drive in the winter. We pretty much got right down to it, but I remember sitting next to him on his couch, beneath a few blankets because it was the winter and it was a garage wondering how long he would wait to make the first move. It was awhile.
But that sex was the best. It was kind of like cliche movie sex in the sense that it took place transitioning from like five different positions and ended with him “unknowingly” coming inside me (condom broke….he acted like he didn’t notice until after we were done…but he kind of acted like things sure felt different…if you get my drift). Nothing happened, I was on the pill. But yeah the sex in his garage was the best.
My bad memory of him was almost that same winter. Everyone in the tri-county area was dry (as far as weed goes), but I managed to get some from a coworker who had ties with some dealer.
Doug found out I had weed, and could get more, via a random AIM conversation, which we had from time to time. He was also definitely hanging out with other girls as well by this point (it was easy to find out about back then, on social media). He makes plans with me faster than he’d ever done so in the past, and arranges to get $60 worth. I get his amount and mine from my coworker, and have it parceled out ($120 split evenly into 2 bags). Then, when he gets to my place to “hang out” (clearly only happening because I can get him weed) he hands me $40. And I was still too into him, I didn’t want to subtract what I could eyeball to be a third of what he was getting, but that’s what I should have done. but I didn’t want to be awkward or look like a bitch, so I just ate the financial loss. World of good it did me.

Then, we had sex I think once after i moved from that apartment into the house i was renting with a friend when I met my husband.

Truth be told, I was a total cunt to Doug via text like two different times. Both resultant of adderoll/alcohol/nicotine abuse, but I never told him that. Why? Would it really make a difference? Also he kind of deserved it.

Then, years after all that, after my husband and I moved downstate, his band was playing at a venue nearby and we went. He seemed happy enough to see me.

We did that a few other times, his band travels around the state quite a bit. I doubt they’ll ever amount to much, but anyway.

But then one time, I saw on Facebook that he was playing at a venue VERY near my house, so I proposed he stop by either before or after the show and smoke with us. Keep in mind, whenever we saw him at a show of his he always said something about how we should get together and smoke down. All of us still love weed. What a shock. It’s almost like weed’s the best.

But then the night of that show, after I’d already contacted Doug and he’d seemed like he wanted to do exactly what I proposed, I fell asleep on the couch and when my husband finally got home he couldn’t rouse me. But then Doug never contacted me either.

And then, THEN, I was like….ohhhhhhhhhh The slow realization of it all dawned on me.

He probably kind of hates me.

He strikes me as one of those guys who never gets over a slight.
But he’s also like a genuinely nice guy (when he’s not sexually entangled with you) so he always acted like he was happy to see me. Because it’s easier than being an asshole, it really is. I get him there.

I just feel like a total idiot, because I probably always came off as some clingy psycho.

Or at least, that’s how he treated me. And made me feel. I guess you’re not supposed to blame you emotions on other people…but seriously….

But now, I’m really trying to focus on the idea of Remembering the Lesson, not the Memory. It’s a smart idea to live by.

Truth be told, I always liked Doug. But, I can see why on his side he probably can’t stand me. So I just kind of feel bad, like just have the balls to tell me you don’t like me. I’m used to being mistreated so I like…don’t know what to do with it sometimes. Or i put up with it because I know I can.

Like, okay some of the insufferable shit I’ve done to him? In 2015, when I was strung out as fucking fuck on alcohol (this is when things started with R), I texted him about the whole situation. This was also the year I stopped speaking to and seeing my parents, ever. I was THAT sad and lonely and desperate, I texted Doug. I’m sure it must have pained him to sound sympathetic, when he probably thought I was getting what I deserved for being a crazy bitch. Or something. IDK. I’m trying to see it through his perspective but I find I can’t. Which is odd, because I can do that with most people.

But in some way I’m kind of proud of myself that I bothered to reach out to anyone. The fact that that two people I tried talking to more or less just rejected me, it reminded me of who I am. Things like that happened the few times I tried telling adults about what was happening. Do you realize how hard that is, for a child in that situation? If that doesn’t warp you, what the fuck will?
Being reminded of who I am came slowly, though. It wasn’t until I really accepted to myself that R was a complete human disaster and a waste of my time and energy and a drain on every part of me. I mean I’d always known that, but I also at one point had a good time with him, so it was hard to completely reject.

But now, I think about this habit I had/have where I’m like almost infatuated with the situation if I’m being treated like shit.

Like at almost 30 I’m just not getting to the point where that’s not the norm.

So anyway, that’s Doug. I hope he’s doing well. In some way I’d like to apologize for annoying him with my attention. I should have given it to someone smart enough to appreciate it.

~Cassie

I told you about my whole open marriage thing, right?

That’s the line I’d use, in my fantasy scenario (with 1 of the 2 men on my “Free Pass to Fuck” list that I keep current with my spouse, I know his too, I think his has 2 people on it too?).
We’d be drinking in a bar, discussing some profession matter that had brought us together in this new place to begin with. I’d be feeling bold after a few drinks, probably too many knowing me, am I right guys? And I’d say something about something that gave away from hint that my husband I walked a little more on the wild side than maybe we seem, what because we’re boring lower middle class Lutherans and all. But then there’s the weed. And the occasional swinging. And the side piece I had for like a year. And then all of the drama attached to our horrible problems with alcohol, luckily long gone due to sobriety.
But in this fantasy, alcohol would play a huge role. Because I know I would need it to be uninhibited enough to go through with asking my subject/question/title.  I would ask, then judging from his reaction, go from there. Maybe, I would touch his leg under the table. Maybe the bar we’re in is across the street from a hotel. I tell him to get a room and text me the number, I’ll come prepared. When in truth, I’d packed condoms hours earlier when I was getting ready, when I was just nurturing the minor hope I’d get to spend some quality alone time with him. He texts me the number. I’m there as fast as I can be.
Need I go on?
Honestly, out of the two guys on my list, lately I’ve really only been feeling the one, and he’s been on the list WAY longer than the other so I think it’s only right for it to be that way.
The one I’m less into is the one you know about already, I’d say I’m at like 30% for this dude. In large part because I know that in reality, the chance that I would EVER actually bag this dude is like…..0.00005%. Like, I’m nearly certain that this guy has only ever had sex with his wife, which means sex is a big deal to them. Which means the likelihood that they would be down with swinging (and by they I mean her, because it’s usually the woman you have to win over, am I right?) is SLIM. It’s a possibility, I guess, but I would probably surmise that it would never happen. (This one is the Coworker, as I like to call him, and that’s all you’re getting, he’s someone from the massive company I work for)
BUT, the one I’m really into, the one I don’t think I’ve ever REALLY gotten into with you-all, lets call this one the Professor. He is one of the professors I had along the way, through maybe my Bachelors, maybe my Masters.
The Professor, I was really into him from the start.  I remember seeing him, on one of those hot first-day-of-the-semester afternoons, and feeling my heart race before it even sunk in how cute he was.  And then, OMFG, the way he taught! It’s like he was trying to be a fuckable as possible, I swear to you. He was just SO into it, and SO funny, and SO encouraging of ideas and possibilities. I was by far more vocal in his class than I was in any other, and that’s saying something because I was always notoriously silent in other classes. Sometimes, in that first class, he seemed a LITTLE more engaging with me if I wore a slutty outfit. I don’t mean that derogatorily, because I would never speak of myself in such a way, but I would wear what I call a slutty outfit. A pair of knee-length black legging type pants that REALLY made the shape of my ass noticeable (it’s nice, trust me) and a low cut (sometimes VERY low cut) dress that stopped just at my hips. Then of course my make up was always especially wild back then, when I was young and brave and in love for the first real time in my life. Oh, also, of course, I would go to EVERY class with him just blazed out of my mind. It was an afternoon class, right? Like twice a week, I think. And I would have a long break beforehand. I would eat, go home and smoke the fuck down, then drive back to campus for his class. I just had such a good fucking time going to this class completely toasted, talking with this truly delicious, brilliant professor. I’m still so fucking into him, looking at his LinkedIn profile made me wet. I’m sorry, I know that might have been a bit much for some of you, but it’s the honest fucking truth. I feel like I’m some horny gay dude on the inside. When my book is published, you’ll see what I mean. But, instead of being born a gay guy, I’m this hot chick with all these weird emotional complexes, but also way better T&A than most girls get. Plus I’m all smart and talented and ONE DAY I’ll be able to say I’m good at pole dancing. Not right now, I’m still bad. My instructors try to encourage me to do shit I know I can’t do and I’m like “No, I have doubt my leg can hold my whole boy like that,” and they’re like “oh, don’t have doubt,” and I’m like, okay but really though I don’t want to die….
SO ANYWAY. Such an enjoyable first class inspired me to seek out the Professor two more times for a class while at the school he taught at. When I did his final student review at the end of that last semester, my last one at that school as a whole, I wrote that I felt honored and privileged to have him as a professor. And fucking sappy as that made me sound, I fucking meant it. I really did. It was very lucky of me to get to have him as a teacher twice.
And, okay I’ll give something away, I had to ask the Professor for a letter of recommendation once. And when I did so, it involved meeting with him in person. Part of the conversation steered towards discussing what I would want to write about in my doctoral thesis (If I got that far). He said something along the lines of “You know, you would want to go with something along the lines of ‘I’ve always been fascinated by the strange, the exotic, the beautiful,'”
Then, when he said that, as he said it, as we were alone in his office by the important Department People, which he is one of, it kind of dawned on me that he was mentioning the things that he associated with me. I smiled at him in this, hmmm, how do I describe it, this kind of “Did you really just say that?” kind of smile, and he literally looked down and turned red.
He was known for turning red while teaching. It was just one more endearing thing, like when certain things made him tear up (you could almost hear the *sploosh* at that point…if you watch Archer, you just got my joke…if not, omg watch Archer its good and its on Netflix).
So, we had this like…moment….way back when, in 2012 when I asked him for this letter of recommendation. I would call it that.
I was his Facebook friend, back when I had Facebook. He liked two statuses of mine…if you can imagine I certainly noticed and kept track. But now all I have access to him through on social media is LinkedIn, like I already mentioned.

So I still have all of these really specific fantasies about the Professor. Lately, a lot of them have been linking up with writing my book. Because I mean, is there anything wrong with linking up goals? I want both things separately, to varying degrees, but should I not use one to instigate the other, if I can?

Sometimes I wonder if he would be into it. Or if I should not force it, just let it happen naturally.

In all honesty, men, help me out here, would you want to hear from a former student who wanted to have sex with you?

See, my husband would be aware and all right with all of it. It would be an affair only in the sense that he’d be having sex with a married woman. The lying and cheating would be out of it.

Is that the sort of thing guys want to get in on?
I think the answer is, some guys. Or is it most guys?
I’m pretty sure this guy is straight.
He thinks I’m exotic, beautiful and strange.
I’ll take all three of those, that’s cool. It’s actually very insightful of him.
Like that kid from grad school who said I “seemed like a swinger”

So….should I try and pursue having sex with this guy? I love achieving sex goals. I mean worse to comes to worst, I get rejected. It’s not like I’d ever have to see him, if I didn’t want to. Sadly, I have no reason to go to the town where he lives and works. He’s in my hometown. Where my parents are. No reason to go there.

…..Part of me is planning on reaching out to him when I have a really polished draft, and asking him to edit/read/review it for me. If he said yes….my god just the thought of talking about that with him….yeah I’ve pretty much got a play by play porno of whole thing in my head at this point.

 

See, is this the sort of thing a guy would be into? Or would this just seem obsessive and stalkery and weird? It probably depends on the guy, right?

Right?

 

Ha, well anyway, I just wanted to talk about him, because hey, you never know what the future may hold, maybe one day I’ll be like omg guys guess what I actually fucked the Professor.

What a fun day that would be.

okay, dinner time. hope everyone had a fun weekend. I wrote and ran errands and cleaned and went to pole dancing class. The usual.

 

~Cassie